Andy Murray Appoints Excuses Coach

BRITISH number one Andy Murray has completed his preparations for dropping out of Wimbledon with the appointment of a world-class excuses coach.

American Paul Bratter has been brought in to strengthen Murray's range of cop-outs after a difficult few weeks in which he was forced, once again, to complain about his fitness and having a "sore wrist".

Bratter, who has worked with Sir Alex Ferguson and a series of England cricket captains, said: "I knew Andy needed my help when he started complaining about having a sore wrist.

"It's amateur hour. Show me a teenage boy who doesn't have a sore wrist and I'll show you a goddamn liar."

Murray is in desperate need of a new range of excuses after missing the French Open, dropping out of the top 10 and readying himself to be sidelined during Wimbeldon fortnight.

Bratter, who created Colin Montgomerie's classic 'American crowds' excuse, added: "We need to generate a new platform of excuses for Andy. We need him to fall in love and then be rejected on the eve of key tournaments.

"We need to sign him up to Amnesty International and other humanitarian organisations. This boy needs to be distracted by a social conscience that's as big as his bank balance.

"When he loses a third round match at Wimbledon next year I want him to be able to blame it on the Chinese government's oppression of Tibet. Now that's a goddamn excuse."

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In-Flight Erections To Double After Viagra Jetlag Discovery

VIRGIN is to raise the height of the seatback tray tables on its transatlantic flights by a number of inches after it emerged that love drug Viagra could now be used as a cure for jetlag. 

Virgin founder Richard Branson said the airline wanted to provide extra third leg room for its male passengers, many of whom would now be crossing the Atlantic “in an upright position”.

He said the airline would also strip out at least 20 rows of seats at the rear of each aircraft and replace them with toilets to meet an expected surge in demand for mid-air hoggins.

Mr Branson said: “We want to be as flexible as possible in this situation, even if our male customers can’t be.

“We have no problem with men traveling in an upright position, but at take-off and landing we will still insist that all erections are stowed under the seat in front or placed securely in the overhead luggage bins provided, for obvious safety reasons.”

Mr Branson said that tourist class passengers would be restricted to two people per toilet for a maximum of five minutes. However those in First Class will be allowed to take as long as they like.

While the Virgin move was greeted with enthusiasm by the traveling public the pilot’s union Balpa said the plans were irresponsible.

Balpa spokesman Barry Haze said: “We are gravely concerned about the potential safety issues of mass, uncoordinated mile-high hochmagandy.

“Excessive thrust applied to either side of the aircraft by couples during flight may destabilise the plane causing distress to non-randy customers.”

British Airways said it had no plans to install extra toilets at this moment but said it would keep a close eye on any major developments. Willie Walsh, chief executive, said: “Our staff will be monitoring the situation on a flight by flight basis, and they will deal with situations as they pop up.”

Michael O’Leary, the chief executive of the low cost airline Ryanair, said he did not give a “flying fuck” if anyone on his aircraft used Viagra.

But he said Ryanair would respond to any increased toilet demand in its traditional manner by charging customers to use its cubicles by the minute. “We already make them pay by the sheet for bog roll so it’s no big deal,” he said.