Athlete To Be Checked For Balls
CASTER Semenya, the big, strong athlete, will today be checked for a pair of balls.
Semenya has come under suspicion after pumping her large, muscley arms in a way that made normal girl athletes look weak, vulnerable and pretty.
Officials from the International Athletics Association will today perform an eight-point ball check on the South African.
The test will involve Semenya removing her trousers and pants before a team of gender recognition specialists shine a torch between her legs and start poking about with a long spoon.
An IAA spokesman said: "If we can't see the balls immediately we will then ask her to turn around to make sure she hasn't shoved them between her legs like that freaky bit in Silence of the Lambs.
"If we find at least one ball then there is a 60-70% chance that she's not really a girl. If we find a great, big cock then the chances increase to about 90%."
He added: "We will also be searching her room and her luggage to make sure she hasn't hidden her cock and balls inside an old shoe or an empty milk carton."
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, backed the tests adding: "Normally, when there is a suspicion over someone's gender the first question a scientist would ask is 'does she have balls?'.
"If the answer comes back 'yes' then what you've got is either a male human or that strange, halfway-house mutant that usually ends up in an Irish boy band."