Cage Fighting Probably Gay, Say Doctors

NO holds barred cage fighting can lead to long term gayness and an obsession with thighs, the British Medical Association claimed last night.

The BMA is warning that men who are attracted to cage fighting are already gay or at least entertaining the possibility of a gay-based lifestyle.

According to a BMA study around 82% of men who took part in the vicious fights were gay before they started and another 12% became gay during their first fight.

The remaining 6% took part in cage fighting because they wanted to beat up gay men.

Cage fighting began in the United States in the 1980s as a way for off-duty policemen to act out their fantasies.

Fighters are only allowed into the cage if they are wearing tight-fitting underpants and are covered in olive oil. They are then allowed to grab any part of their opponent's body before throwing him to the floor, jumping on top of him and asking him out for a drink.

Roy Hobbs, a former Ultimate Fighting Champion, denied he was gay, insisting he preferred to socialise with men because they had bigger hands.

He added: "Like most men I enjoy a violent wrestling match followed by a shower, champagne cocktails, a club, some more violent wrestling and a continental breakfast on the veranda. Does that make me gay?"

A BMA spokesman said: "Gayness is a lovely thing, but we think there are better ways to discover your sexuality than stripping down to your undies, getting oiled up and pummeling another man's thighs. That said, we haven't actually worked out what it is yet."

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Google Phone Will Put Porn In Your Pocket

GOOGLE has confirmed plans to launch its own-brand mobile phone saying the new portable online device will, for the first time, put "porn in the palm of everyone’s hand". 

The wipe clean phone will come with its own in-built tissue dispenser and a special magnifying screen for users whose eyesight is fading due to excessive masturbation.

Eric Schmidt, Google chief executive, said the Google Phone™ would take “filth to its final frontier” allowing people to view huge numbers of disgusting acts “anytime, anyplace, anywhere”.

Mr Schmidt said: “The G-Phone™ fits snugly into the palm of one hand leaving the other free to rub your privates until they go off. It’s perfect for loosing off a quick one in the office toilets or at the back of the bus on the way to work. It also comes with a hands-free kit for travelling salesmen so they can have a crafty one in the car if they get stuck in a jam.”

Besides its inbuilt tissue dispenser the G-Phone™ will come with a whole host of features that rival iPhone users can only dream of, including a saw, can opener, tweezers, and home diagnostics unit for detecting sexually transmitted disease.

Google is also planning to exploit Apple’s early problems with the iPhone toaster by adding a Breville Sandwich Maker to its handset, allowing users to produce a variety of delicious toasted snacks.

Mr Schmidt said: “The iPhone’s toaster has proved a disaster, not only were early models faulty but loose crumbs continue to play havoc with the handset’s internal workings. Our sandwich maker will produce fully-sealed cheese toasties which will leave our phone both grease and crumb free.”

Other innovations on the G-Phone™ include tea and coffee making facilities, a fully stocked drinks cabinet, fold out double bed, en suite shower room, sauna, Olympic sized swimming pool, gym, pool hall and goatee beard trimmer.

Carl Knutz, an online porn freak of San Andreas, California, said: “I was a big fan of the iPhone but this is something else. Not only does it trim beards and produce great toasties but it provides constant access to shitloads of really filthy porn. And it’s wipe free. It’s every man’s dream.”