Carling Cup Concluded Without Sexual Incident

MANCHESTER United and Aston Villa were congratulated yesterday after the Carling Cup final ended without any of the players having sex with something.

Villa opened the scoring while managing to avoid slathering the ball in KY Jelly but United triumphed after scoring two goals without the ball being whisked away to the Borehamwood Travelodge for a spit roast recorded on a mobile phone.

A Football Association spokesman said: "It was a great advert for the game to show that Premier League players can manage to keep it flaccid for 90 minutes, although nobody can countenance United winning a cup without being sick a little in their mouth."

There were concerns the final might descend into lubricious chaos after United's Patrice Evra was seen gazing longingly at the Queen's profile during the coin toss.

But play was able to continue after the referee reassured the United captain that three middle-aged women were currently being greased up in the team dressing room.

Villa manager Martin O'Neill consoled his players by reminding them there were still many hundreds of UK glamour models that they had not yet done something disgraceful on.

He added: "A lot of the lads are young and this defeat has hit them quite badly but I had to point out to them that they still have years of behaving like Caligula on his stag night ahead of them. Carew has been a big help."

The victory is Sir Alex Ferguson's 34th trophy, 32 of which have been won without anyone being charged with gross indecency involving livestock or tarts.


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Horrible Dragon Threatens Council Worker Fantasy Land

A LARGE, terrifying dragon is threatening the magical kingdom of massive pensions where no-one ever gets fired.

The fearful citizens of Council Worker Fantasy Land say they will surely be burned to a crisp by the fire breathing monster unless they receive urgent anti-dragon money from the people of the Real World that exists beyond the buttercup meadow and the four star country house hotel where the magical training days are held.

Since 1997 Council Worker Fantasy Land has been the happiest place in the world, where grade two fairytale princesses and thousands of badly educated left-wing elves live happily alongside magical dwarves who are not allowed to move your wheelie bin more than 38.3cm.

But now the fearsome dragon that has eaten more 300,000 townsfolk who actually had to work for a living, could ravage the blissful community and its enchanted ability to tell other people what to do.

Roy Hobbs, the £225,000 a year chief executive of Council Worker Fantasy Land, said: "Help us o good and generous people of the realm where bad decisions have actual consequences.

"We have spent all our money on magical diversity training and surely now the dragon will eat many thousands of us for his tea, which by the way does not contain five portions of fruit or vegetables and leads us to question his ability to raise young dragons."

Helen Archer, a gay and bisexual outreach princess from Doncaster, said: "Good sir, I am most terribly afraid the great dragon will use his massive talons to claw at my seven weeks of enchanted holiday entitlement and force me to justify my magical existence.

"Forsooth I shall have to leave this realm and travel beyond the chestnut wood and the babbling brook and end up working for Carphone Warehouse."

She added: "And by the way, every time you smoke a bewitched tobacco stick in a tavern doorway an enchanted pixie dies of fairy cancer."