Carling Cup Concluded Without Sexual Incident

MANCHESTER United and Aston Villa were congratulated yesterday after the Carling Cup final ended without any of the players having sex with something.

Despite yesterday's achievement, sex-jelly continues to dominate the modern game

Villa opened the scoring while managing to avoid slathering the ball in KY Jelly but United triumphed after scoring two goals without the ball being whisked away to the Borehamwood Travelodge for a spit roast recorded on a mobile phone.

A Football Association spokesman said: "It was a great advert for the game to show that Premier League players can manage to keep it flaccid for 90 minutes, although nobody can countenance United winning a cup without being sick a little in their mouth."

There were concerns the final might descend into lubricious chaos after United's Patrice Evra was seen gazing longingly at the Queen's profile during the coin toss.

But play was able to continue after the referee reassured the United captain that three middle-aged women were currently being greased up in the team dressing room.

Villa manager Martin O'Neill consoled his players by reminding them there were still many hundreds of UK glamour models that they had not yet done something disgraceful on.

He added: "A lot of the lads are young and this defeat has hit them quite badly but I had to point out to them that they still have years of behaving like Caligula on his stag night ahead of them. Carew has been a big help."

The victory is Sir Alex Ferguson's 34th trophy, 32 of which have been won without anyone being charged with gross indecency involving livestock or tarts.