Ferguson Calls For Cap On Arsenal Winning

SIR Alex Ferguson has demanded a cap on the number of matches Arsenal is allowed to win during a Premier League season.

The Manchester United manager said Arsenal wins were undermining the domestic game and preventing other teams from winning trophies as often as they would like to.

Ferguson said: "Ideally the number of Arsenal victories in a season should be capped at perhaps one less than another large English team that plays in red and is not Liverpool or Middlesbrough.

"For the sake of English football perhaps that team should be Manchester United, at least for the first 30 or 40 years.

"Or until Arsenal sack that stuck-up, sounds-intelligent -because-of-his-French-accent, wouldn't-last-two-minutes-in-Govan, smart-arsed, French BASTARD."

Sir Alex said there was now general agreement that English football would be better off if Manchester United was about five or six points clear by Christmas.

"A close finish to the season means that our home grown talent may lose out on the chance of beating a smug French prick and his team of French homosexuals," he said.

"These French nancy boys are good looking and sophisticated. They don't need the extra confidence boost that comes with actually winning matches.

"But look at Wayne. Seriously, just look at him. If that boy couldn't play football, chances are he'd be mistaken for a large piece of cheese."

Ferguson added: "The great thing about professional football is that it can take a violent, ill-educated thug out of a deprived estate and put him behind the wheel of an incredibly fast car."

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'Replace My Photo With Bag Of Prawn Cocktail Crisps' Demands Prince

PRINCE, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince, broke into uncharted mental territory yesterday after instructing his fan websites to remove his photograph.

The singer said he would no longer communicate with those who failed to recognise his status as a delicious bag of prawn cocktail crisps.

He has issued legal warnings to all of his fan websites ordering them to replace his image with a photograph of a bag of crisps or face death at the hands of his private army of incredibly attractive women.

He is also to re-issue his classic 1987 album Sign o' the Times to include a three-hour video about the life cycle of the North Atlantic prawn.

Prince, who made a statement dressed as his lawyer, said: "In recent months I have come to realise that I have always been a bag of prawn cocktail crisps. Emotionally, artistically, sexually."

He added: "As of midnight tonight I will cease to exist as Prince and will be reborn as 'Prince: The Bag of Crisps'.

"Under no circumstances must you refer to me as 'Bag', 'Crisps', 'Baggy' or 'Crispy'."

The superstar said that he would take legal action against anyone who represented his image with a generic bag of crisps insisting it must be the officially approved bag of Walkers Prawn Cocktail.

"And it must not be part of a multi-pack," he added.