Football car parks brace themselves

ENGLAND’S football-related car parks are hoping for their chance to shine as the transfer window closes today.

Patches of tarmac by training grounds, concrete areas outside stadia and Theo Walcott’s gravel drive are eager to host some big name reporters doing pieces to camera while shaven-headed, unemployed plasterers gurn in the background.

Roy Hobbs, 500 square feet of asphalt outside of Old Trafford said: “This is the busiest time of year for me, pundit-wise, and I’m crossing my fingers that I can land Jim White in a Puffa jacket speculating about things.

“I’ve been listening to Ferguson in his car on the way home from work and I think I can look forward to having Sky, BBC and a few other news channels camped on me looking up to the silhouettes in a brightly-lit boardroom this evening.”

Smaller clubs’ car parks are hoping for more modest activity, with many expecting to see fanzine editors and local free newspaper writers.

Yate Town car park Tom Logan said: “It should be a good day, but I’m not anticipating any helicopters landing.”

But Liverpool’s car park believes this season’s activity has not been big enough for a facility of its stature.

It said: “I used to be the in-demand bit of waste ground that every big commentator wanted to do an outside broadcast on.

“These days I’d be lucky to attract so much as a Colin Murray.”



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Disability benefits to be replaced by medals

THE disability benefits system will be replaced by medals for things like shutting up and getting on with it, it has emerged.

Ministers have hailed Paralympians for smashing the stereotyped view of the disabled as people who need money to do stuff.

Under the new Disability Medal Allowance system, financial support will be replaced by gold, silver, and bronze awards for not causing a fuss.

They will be awarded by Iain Duncan Smith at a weekly gala ceremony with free biscuits and disability-themed special guests like Bouncer from Neighbours, who looks like a guide dog.

A government spokesman said: “When you look at Paralympics heroes, they prove that disabled people – however debilitated they might seem –  need true grit rather than money to achieve their goals, whether that’s winning a race or simply getting to work.

“Certainly they are not to be pitied. In fact, they’re pretty much all brilliant at basketball, have massive JCVD-style biceps, and would hate to be seen sponging.

“The more medals we win, the more it proves our – their – point.

“Gold – or at least gold-plated – medals are so much more gratifying than cash, and will really get the disabled off their arses.

“Metaphorically speaking, of course, I do appreciate that some of them have trouble standing up.”

38-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I tended to spunk my disability benefits on frivolous things like wheelchairs, which is basically the same as pissing it away in the pub, so this will really help me get my act together.”