Hodgson ‘extremely disappointed’ with England fans for breaking a perfectly good bench

ROY Hodgson has expressed sadness at fan behaviour after his favourite article of furniture was destroyed.

The England manager, whose affinity for communal outdoor seating is well documented, condemned the actions of fans after a useable bench was broken up to fashion makeshift weapons.

Hodgson said: “Everyone knows that a bench is where you keep the best players in a football team. It’s madness to ruin a perfectly good one when it could have been used to accommodate £150,000,000 worth of promising footballers.

“I can’t understand the mentality of people who see a bench and decide to break it. I call our team bench ‘The Twelfth Man’ and sometimes ’Roy’s Boy’.

“To see one destroyed is heartbreaking.”

England fan Joseph Turner said: “If we’d thought about it of course we wouldn’t have broken it. The bench has been a huge part of the careers of some of England’s best players, and it looks like that’s going to continue.

“We meant no disrespect. Next time we will break a cabinet or something.”

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Patriotic ant snubbed at Queen’s birthday picnic

AN ANT who fervently supports the monarchy was disgusted by his treatment at the Queen’s picnic lunch, he has revealed.

Insect Roy Hobbs was made to feel unwelcome throughout the 90th birthday celebration, culminating in him being physically assaulted when he attempted to eat a slice of cake.

Hobbs said: “I’d gone along expecting a lovely day out, but I noticed a hostile atmosphere the moment I climbed onto a picnic table waving a microscopic Union Jack I’d made myself.

“People started sighing and moving food out of my reach. One woman even said ‘Are there any more of them?’. I just didn’t expect a group of elderly patriots to be so bigoted.

“Things really turned nasty when I climbed onto a slice of Victoria sponge – which was clearly for public consumption – and someone flicked me right in the thorax.

“I was thrown through the air and landed on the pavement. I could easily have been killed if it wasn’t for my miniscule weight and tough exoskeleton.

“Her Majesty would be mortified if she knew how a loyal insect was treated. I’ve written to the palace so with a bit of luck she’ll invite me over to walk in a bowl of sugar.”