It's okay, I've brought my own flamethrower, says Balotelli

MARIO Balotelli has assured the Liverpool management that he has all the equipment he needs.

The Italian striker said he was delighted with his £16m move to Anfield and looked forward to combining his love of flamethrowers with whatever the Liverpool fans would like him to set on fire.

Manager Brendan Rodgers said: “We have no chance of winning the league so this will at least help the season to fly by.

“It was very difficult dealing with Luis Suarez last year, so I was relieved and happy when Mario said that at some point he is going to need a horse. I’ve said I’ll think about it.”

Balotelli will be unveiled at Anfield later today and will then give the fans a demonstration in the ‘art of flamethrowing’.

The striker added: “It didn’t come with instructions.”


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Everything in world related to friend’s trip to Thailand

A 21 year-old woman has managed to link every event of the last week to her backpacking trip to Thailand.

Since arriving back at Heathrow wearing a traditional pha nung dress, Emma Bradford, has exclusively referenced the culture and lifestyle of South-East Asia.

Friend Tom Logan said: “She didn’t say hello, she said ‘wai’. I should have ended the friendship there and then.

“Before we even got back to Clapham she’d given us a flawed history of Thailand from 1800 to the present day. She had clearly developed a strong misunderstanding of Buddhism.

“Then she said my Fiat Punto didn’t have the romance of a tuk-tuk and claimed Hammersmith Broadway reminded her of the great temple of Wat Arun.

“Apparently she’s a completely different person now, which is understandable given that she was away for three weeks.”

Bangkok cafe owner, Chavalit Sawan, said: “I remember her screaming about how a proper British policeman would’ve caught the scumbag who snatched her camera.”