John Terry's ego humanely destroyed

JOHN Terry’s ego has been hauled out to sea to be broken up.

After being substituted during Chelsea’s 3-0 defeat to Man City, Terry verbally abused his ego, although he stopped short of using racial epithets.

Temporary Chelsea physio Stephen Malley said: “Shortly before Mr Mourinho fired me for wearing the wrong colour of disposable gloves, I could see John in the dressing room kicking his ego and demanding that it get up.

“He was screaming that without it he was just another bloke from Essex approaching middle age with a pathetic haircut.”

The ego was removed from the Etihad stadium by a team of disposal experts expected to work with Chelsea in the near future on Jose Mourinho’s ailing sense of self-worth.

It will be broken up fifteen miles out to sea to ensure no pieces wash up on shore and cause holidaymakers to think they can go around shouting at people in airports.

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Student to get valuable life experience from moving to purpose-built luxury apartment

AN affluent degree student is nervously excited about moving from the parental home to a deluxe apartment with every possible amenity.

18-year-old Mary Fisher, whose parents have shitloads of money, is taking the big step of moving from her parents’ five-bedroom farmhome into her own flat in the brand new Urban:Vibe student apartment complex.

Bradford said: “I’ve had the best possible start in life but now shit is about to get real. From the look of the deliberately exposed brickwork in the foyer, this is a pretty edgy fully-equipped living complex.

“At home I had my own bathroom and walk-in wardrobe, whereas here I still have those things but they are considerably smaller.”

She added: “As I explore this strange new city, I’m looking forward to meeting the locals when they serve me in American Apparel and various themed cocktail bars.

“Also it’ll be good to broaden my mind by meeting others students from somewhat less privileged backgrounds. For example, I’m told one of the other tenants here is from Wales.

“They’re on another floor though so it’s okay.”