Man City To Buy More Or Less Everyone

MANCHESTER City was last night lining up last minute bids for just about everyone as the club looked to secure a place in preliminary round of next year's Uefa Cup.

With the transfer window set to close, the club has reduced the UK-wide unemployment count by 19%, bringing in 640,000 players and more than 200,000 backroom staff.

The new players include Bert Reeves, an 82-year-old goalkeeper, famous for being substituted after 45 seconds in the 1958 FA Cup Final, and left-sided full back Alfie Booker, a 97 year-old stroke victim who has no idea what a football is.

Booker said he was particularly looking forward to playing Chelsea, adding: "I lost a perfectly good pocket watch there in 1933. Perhaps someone's handed it in."

Leaving nothing to chance the club has also taken on 23,000 pilots, 15,000 Mexican chefs, 1,400 acupuncturists and 830 of Britain's best heating engineers.

Meanwhile the club's Saudi owners are also looking to increase the price of oil to $18,000 a barrel in a bid to force rival clubs to forfeit away games.

Experts now believe the government's multi-billion pound attempt to restart the economy may become an irrelevant footnote in the face of Man City.

Julian Cook, an analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "Economic recovery combined with a top six finish and an eventual failure to qualify for the groups stages of the Uefa Cup will surely justify the billions they've haemorrhaged on utter shit."

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British Workers In Europe Decide Not To Go On Strike

BRITONS working in continental Europe have decided they will probably not strike in sympathy with their fellow countrymen.

British builders in Spain, Portugal, France and Italy said they would be forced to support EU employment directives as long as it meant they could work wherever they wanted to without having to pay tax.

Bill McKay, a bricklayer from Lincolnshire, said: "I firmly believe in British jobs for British workers. But I'm also a passionate supporter of something called Spanish jobs for British workers.

"In the past five years I've had Portuguese jobs, Italian jobs and even a couple of French jobs. None of the locals seemed to object. Then again I only know the foreign words for 'beer' and 'prostitute'."

The temporary employment of some Italians by a French oil company has led to a national outcry with many newspapers saying it must have something to do with the millions of Afghan scroungers clogging Britain's country roads in their state-funded Aston Martins.

Meanwhile prime minister Gordon Brown insisted his pledge of 'British jobs for British workers' had been misinterpreted, adding: "Essentially, what I was saying was that workers in Britain would be, err, working in a very British sense, resulting in well, you know, things, and that sort of stuff."

Business secretary Lord Mandelson has also reached out to the protesters saying he needs some people to serve canapés at a drinks party he is having next weekend.

He added: "Five pounds an hour, a fifteen minute break and you will of course be completely naked apart from a long, white apron and a bow tie."