McClaren ‘surprised as everyone else’ to find himself back in football

STEVE McClaren has been unable to explain how he came to be managing a football club again.

McClaren was reappointed as Derby County boss yesterday, despite a track record that could be described politely as ‘mixed’.

The ex-England and Newcastle disappointment said: “I am delighted and baffled to be given another opportunity to show the people of Derby what I can do, and perhaps more pertinently, what I can’t.

“I sent in the same application as in 2013, which conveniently left out my first spell at Derby County.

“They asked about the three-year CV gap and I explained I’d been at a Dutch language school in Utrecht, which seemed to satisfy them.”

McClaren said that he hoped to steer Derby towards promotion before leaving for a bigger club, ballsing it up, and returning to Pride Park in 2019.

Rams fan Nikki Sheridan said: “As the old saying goes, better the devil you know than Neil Warnock.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Cameron gets job in artisan coffee shop

DAVID Cameron has become a barista in an independent coffee shop until he gets his ‘head space’ together.

The former prime minister is working at The Human Bean in Shoreditch, while his wife Samantha pays the bills by designing executive pencil cases.

Cameron said: “It gives me time to work on my memoirs, which will focus on a widely misunderstood incident that happened when I was a student.

“And it fits in really well with my job at the National Citizen Service, because that’s just a couple of hours a week of total bullshit.”

However, it has emerged he is currently under a performance review after an order for an espresso and a chocolate croissant caused half of the cafe to collapse.

Cameron added: “Serving coffee is really hard because when people complain you can’t just tell them they should stand up straight and wear a decent suit.”