Men getting ready to pretend they understand rugby

MEN across Britain are training hard so as not to appear totally baffled by the Six Nations tournament. 

With kick off apparently later on today, experts said phrases such as ‘they were never binding properly, there’ will be vital to concealing rugby ignorance.

Pretend rugby expert Tom Booker said his reputation was based on confident use of phrases such as ‘When are they going to put an end to this truck and trailer fiasco?’

He added: “If I say, ‘Bloody coming in from the side again’ every so often the big blokes at the bar will look at me and nod.”

Roy Hobbs added:  “I haven’t had enough time to develop a completely fake grasp of rugby, so I’d advise beginners to just learn one phrase, probably, ‘Surely he was off his feet when he handled then?’.

“I’ll use it randomly six times during every match.”

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Woman takes any compliment as an insult

A WOMAN has the amazing ability to take any compliment given her and instantly turn it into an insult, her partner has confirmed. 

No matter how direct the compliment paid, 32-year-old Donna Sheridan can flip it around to become an unforgivable personal insult within less than a second.

Partner Tom Booker said: “The other day I said she looked fabulous in that dress. Quick as a flash, she said ‘Because it hides my muffin top, you mean.’

“If I say ‘You look lovely today’ she says ‘So I looked like shit yesterday, did I?’ If I compliment her make-up she replies ‘Yeah, cause without it I look like a f**king hag.’

“Last week, and I admit I was reaching a little, I compared her to Scarlett Johansson. She responded ‘Great, so my eyes are too far apart, I’m aging badly and I’ve got a hook chin’.

Sheridan said: “To be honest any compliments Tom gives me just make me feel guilty, as I’m having an affair with our landlord.”