Murray to use shameless flirtation against Tsonga

ANDY Murray will deploy strategic gay come-ons to distract Jo Wilfried Tsonga at Wimbledon today, it has been claimed.

Murray, who is known for his flamboyant personality, will use sexual innuendo and lurid gestures to make Tsonga feel incredibly awkward.

Murray camp insider Tom Logan said: “Andy will begin the match by writing his mobile number on a tennis ball in lipstick and then serving it at Tsonga’s groin.

“The hefty Frenchman, wondering what the fuck is going on, will look up to see Murray silently mouthing the words ‘I want you’ and stroking the shaft of his racquet as if it were a man’s penis – specifically, Tsonga’s penis.

“Tsonga will look at the umpire but the umpire will just shrug – the last thing Wimbledon needs is accusations of homophobia.

“When the players change ends, Murray will give Tsonga a playful tap on the backside with his racquet. And during breaks in play Andy will pretend to be too weak to unscrew to cap on his mineral water, protesting loudly that he needs the help of a ‘big strong man’.

“Tsonga will be forced by politeness to grudgingly assist while Murray ogles his rippling biceps, creating a simmering rage that will make all his serves go out.

“To complete the onslaught, when Andy bends over to pick up a ball he will ensure he’s facing away from Tsonga, then look back at him over his shoulder with a wink while his arse is still in the air.

“I should add that this is perfectly legal. There are no rules against fancying your opponent.”

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'Property ladder' replaced by 'treacherous property rope bridge'

THE metaphorical ‘property ladder’ is to be replaced by a rickety and unstable ‘property rope bridge’, spanning a yawning property chasm filled with property crocodiles.

The new metaphor will officially replace the outdated ‘ladder’ motif – traditionally used to describe an individual’s progress through the housing marketing – from early August.

Nikki Hollis, head of the government’s housing metaphor think tank, said: “Henceforth, those formerly on the ‘first rung’ of the property ladder will find themselves ‘hanging by a fraying property rope over a fast-flowing river’.

“First-time buyers will be able to imagine their bank manager as Mola Ram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, laughing and hacking away at the ropes.

The traditional ‘ladder’ image, with its attendant sense of robustness, order, and a sturdy place to rest your full body weight without plunging to your death, has been outdated for almost a decade.

This new metaphor will illustrate all of the unpleasantness and jeopardy of attempting to buy or sell a house in the current property market.

“Or ‘property jungle’, as it will now be referred to.

Other metaphors that were considered include ‘property three-legged stool’ and ‘property red-light district’, in which the homeowner would walk the streets dressed only in a skimpy dress made of their life savings, attempting to attract the interest of leering estate agents in passing Mini Coopers with their logo painted on them.

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