Narrative of entire World Cup decided

EVERYONE has decided how the World Cup is going to progress based on last night’s opening game.

Fans said they have enough to go on after Brazil’s 3-1 victory over themselves, a poor refereeing performance and the appearance of Pitbull, the 21st Century antichrist.

Football prognosticator Wayne Hayes said: “The fact that Brazil scored the first own goal of the competition clearly means that this will be the tournament with the lowest number of red cards since 1978.

“And Adrian Chiles’s dark blue shirt was symbolically foreshadowing Australia qualifying top of their group and knocking out Spain.

“I know about symbolic foreshadowing because I did The Great Gatsby at school.”

England fans say the 10 corners in last night’s match are a clear sign the national side will raise hopes with thrilling draws against Italy and Uruguay, before a defeat by Costa Rica so heavy that it leads to a full public inquiry.

Stephen Malley of Milton Kenyes said: “It was so obvious, from the first kick of the game, that Argentina will beat the hosts on penalties in a disappointing final that I probably won’t bother watching.

“Also, I don’t really like football. Don’t tell anyone.”


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Cameron consigns unemployment to the X-Files

DAVID Cameron has tasked investigators to look into increased sightings of unemployed people.

The jobless, officially declared non-existent by the coalition, have been allegedly been appearing across the country in shadowy corners of Wetherspoons and motorway underpasses.

Investigator Tom Logan said: “My hot redhead sidekick says the last unemployed person starved to death in Carlisle in 2012 but the truth about the terminally skint is out there.

“I just hope that if we ever make first contact with one, they may have some news of my sister who disappeared with a bloke claiming Disability Living Allowance back in 2003.”

Most reports have come from the North, a part of the country traditionally haunted by unquiet since the massacre of the manufacturing industry.

Descriptions of their appearance vary wildly, from small wiry creatures that smell of chips to large, shapeless monsters that ride electric-powered chariots with baskets on the front and really, really smell of chips.

Those that allege to have seen them say they were not initially threatening but were fiercely protective of their young, their scratchcards and their chips.

Nikki Hollis of Richmond said: “I was taking out the bins when I saw this little jobless-looking thing offering to do some gardening for cash in hand.

“It was a strange, unsettling experience. I’ve not talked about it to anyone as they’ll just think I’m weird.

“Or, even worse, poor.”