New England letdown hero discovered

ENGLAND fans are celebrating a new hero who they can place all their hopes in before being painfully disappointed.

18-year-old Adnan Januzaj, who scored an incredible two goals against bottom-of-the-table Sunderland on Saturday, has been instantly anointed as the star who won’t take England all the way in Brazil next year.

England fan Stephen Malley, who has a misspelling of the player’s name tattooed across his back in gothic script, said: “We’ve found the man who can hype us into a nationalistic frenzy before breaking his metatarsal in a warm-up.

“Like Beckham and Theo Walcott before him, this kid’s got what it takes to go from hero to national hate figure in one penalty miss.”

England manager Roy Hodgson is cautiously interested in Januzaj, but plans to pick a squad with proven experience of completely bottling it on a world stage for Brazil.

He said: “With players like Wayne Rooney, whose record of dragging a team down is second to none, or with Steven Gerrard’s reputation for coming into a struggling game and handing it to our opponents, there’s no need to rush Adnan.

“Besides, he could yet choose to underachieve with the Belgian national side, to frustrate with Croatia, or to crash and burn with the acknowledged masters, Scotland.

“Either way, Januzaj needs a lot more experience of losing games before he’s ready. I can’t risk a player who could carelessly win games and spoil the cherished dream of failure in every Englishman’s heart.”