Olympic stadium to become 'world class' car boot sale venue

LONDON’S Olympic stadium will be transformed into the nation’s finest car boot sale venue after the 2012 games.

Determined to leave a lasting cultural legacy for the country, the stadium’s governing body has accepted a bid from car boot sale organiser Roy Hobbs, who believes his events could attract buyers from as far afield as Luton.

Hobbs, who currently runs several car boot sales and a market stall where you can get mobile phones unlocked, said: “We’re talking bouncy castles, a choice of up to four burger vans and of course loads of quality goods, none of them nicked.

“There’s a woman from Rickmansworth who sells gingerbread men, she makes them herself, she’ll probably be there if her shingles aren’t playing up.

“And two smashing lads in a white Renault van with several hundred pairs of white size-7 Reebok Pump trainers that they got for their birthdays but unfortunately didn’t fit.”

Hobbs said the government has already been in touch about selling the stuff that used to be in the Millennium Dome and has since been kept in a massive taxpayer-funded cardboard box.

A spokesman for the Olympic Park Legacy committee said: “The Olympics are about pushing yourself to your limits and we hope that visitors will channel that spirit when they are haggling over a Poldark VHS box set or a book about how the pyramids were built by aliens, never giving up even when the seller insists he won’t take less than 50p.”

He added: “Athletics meetings will continue to be held on the site for the dozen or so people who are interested, so we’re asking people not to park cars or vans on the track.”



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Take That riot police 'just a bunch of dancers'

BRITAIN was heavy with disappointment last night as it emerged that Take That’s riot police are just a group of non-violent dancers.

Viewers watching the Brit Awards had hoped the Take That police, equipped with riot shields and batons, would turn on their masters, kettling them into the corner of the stage and beating them to within an inch of their lives.

But instead they pranced around in time to the music without once lashing out viciously at Mark or even Robbie, backed by the full force of the law.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “I wanted to see triumphant arcs of Take That blood splashing against the camera.

“I wanted to see Gary Barlow trying to protect his Nice’n’Easy beach blond highlights against blow after righteous blow.

“Then I wanted to see the police rampaging through the crowd, cracking skulls and pummelling kidneys before setting off back stage in search of James Corden’s big fucking face.”

Helen Archer, from Doncaster, added: “What a waste. You have riot police, you have a huge venue filled with untermenschen baying along to this ghastly, insipid shit and yet no-one suffers so much as a broken collar bone.

“Hopefully the organisers will learn their lesson and next year they could perhaps use tear gas and water cannons. Or crocodiles.”

Jane Thompson, from Hatfield, said: “I know that Mumford and Sons are the Pogues for people who shop at Waitrose, but the Take That riot police could at least have left the lead singer looking like Shane MacGowan.”