Romanov Turns A-Listed Treasure Into Garden Centre

HEARTS chairman Vladimir Romanov is to transform the old Royal Bank of Scotland headquarters in Edinburgh into the city's first A-listed discount garden centre.

Romanov, the Lithuanian tycoon who bought Hearts FC by mistake in 2005, will fill the 19th Century architectural treasure in St Andrew's Square with peat-free compost, gravel and bedding plants, all guaranteed to be at least 10% cheaper than Dobbies and Homebase.

"Garden centres are my first love," said Romanov. "Football is a game for women and children but gardening is the stuff of heroes. In my culture working with compost and trowels is the definition of masculinity.

"I will show these so-called Scottish men how they can impress their women. Buy gravel, grow pansies, share your compost with the local beggar. The poets will immortalise you!"

The St Andrew's Square purchase is the first step in Mr Romanov's expansion programme.

Later this year he plans to transform the east wing of the Royal Museum of Scotland into a timber and plumbing merchants while the knave of St Giles' Cathedral has been earmarked as the capital's first specialist turf warehouse.

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Boffins Use Hybrid Embryos To Create Satan

SCIENTISTS at Dundee University have embarked on the world's first human-animal hybrid embryo project in a bid to create Satan.

Dr Henry Brubaker and his team of geneticists plan to generate the manifestation of pure evil using tissue from humans, a goat, a piranha, Richard Madeley and a bat.

Dr Brubaker said: "We were delighted when the government finally caved in to science and gave its approval to human-animal hybrids.

"We had planned to spend the next few years creating some very odd looking things. Chicken-monkeys, fish-badgers, zebra-geese, that sort of thing.

"But then it occurred to us that generating Satan would not only give a tremendous boost to the university in terms of public relations, but would also have a host of practical applications.

"It is not an exaggeration to suggest that Project Satan could solve all the problems of the world.

"As Satan will be all powerful, anything he says will be infallible and all who disagree will be destroyed in a ball of fire.

"So if Satan says that war, poverty, disease and climate-sodding-change are not actually problems at all, then I, for one, would suggest that they are not actually problems at all."

Dr Brubaker said that a fully-grown Satan would be around 5 feet 10 inches tall, weigh 13 stone and look remarkably like Bobby Davro.