Rugby beaten by football

RUGBY is to end after admitting defeat in the battle for ball game supremacy.

It has long been acknowledged that rugby and football were locked in a battle to the death, with the nation only having enough emotions to invest into one ball-based activity.

The Institute for Studies declared victory for football after comparing television viewing figures, amounts of shiny shirts sold and the number of players who are sort-of-celebrities in America.

FA chairman Greg Dyke said: “This is a great day for the nation. We’ve got only one sport with a field, a ball and goals that’s really popular in this country.

“It’s called football.

“Like wrestling on World of Sport, rugby is a once-amusing novelty long past its sell-by date.”

Prop forward Tom Booker admitted: “Rugby’s been a great way for me to explain away my alcoholism, desire to rub up against other men, and penchant for stockings and suspenders.

“But all those things are acceptable in society now so I can throw away my hooped jersey and stand proud.”

The end of rugby is expected to pass unnoticed in most of the country, with the only people affected being the upper middle class, the Welsh, and isolated pockets of Scotland and the North-West.

Dyke concluded: “I call upon the rugby league to do the decent thing, dissolve itself, and let us all move on from this whole silly business.”

When told that there are actually two kinds of rugby, rugby league and rugby union, he said: “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

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Man appreciates women's buttocks on a feminist level

31-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan has discovered he enjoys women’s buttocks from a feminist perspective.

Logan described how Lily Allen videos and burlesque dancers had informed his enlightened appreciation of the female form, most especially the arse part.

He said: “Whether framed by a tiny sequined g-string or jiggled in a parodic hip hop context, exposed buttock flesh is a powerful tool of female emancipation.

“I am definitely more receptive to subversive anti-patriarchal statements when I’ve got a boner.”

He added: “It’s all about semantics and stuff like that. Ladies, I am a mass of fascinating paradoxes.”

Media analyst Emma Bradford said: “Burlesque is Spearmint Rhino for people in second-hand suits and pop videos exist to sell pop music.

“I recommend reading books.”