Sedentary alcoholism is patriotic, say supermarkets

ANY English person not drinking heavily in front of a television is a traitor, the nation’s supermarkets have announced.

In a joint statement, the big four shops, stressed that anyone who rejects their fantastic offers on beer, 42-inch televisions and Chinese-made England flags, hates this country and should go and live in China.

The statement added: “Like all responsible businesses, we are keenly aware of the lack of patriotism in our schools.

“But Britain can make up for that by buying these St George’s-themed nachos. Be proud of how many you are getting for just £1.99.”

England football fan, Norman Steele, backed the campaign, adding: “Deserting your post to go to the toilet or the birth of your first child is a betrayal that leaves your fellow supporters dangerously exposed.

“Watching Only Connect when you could be watching highlights is like machine-gunning the Grenadier Guards.

“Victoria Coren is Lord Haw Haw.”


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90 per cent of speeches now end with ‘f*ck all of my haters’

MOST speeches at christenings, graduation ceremonies and conferences now end with the speaker inviting any haters to fuck themselves.

The sign-off, adapted from hip hop culture, is now considered such an essential part of speaking at any public occasion that audiences are disappointed if it is left out.

Susan Traherne, the Lord Mayor of Stevenage, said: “You open by thanking everyone for coming, crack a gag, do the serious bit and then tell the haters to fuck their jealous asses.

“At big occasions, for example a civic dinner, I’ll list the haters individually, for example that broke-dick loser Denys Finch-Hatton, or the cheap bitch whores in charge of the local authority budget.

“It’s good to remember the little people and their bitches.”

The practice has spread to every sphere of society, with actor Bryan Cranston accepting his Tony award and then naming more than 30 haters who could go fuck themselves into a hole in the ground.

Fucking all the haters has also become a common theme in funeral eulogies, school assemblies and weddings.

Wayne Hayes, of Leicester, said: “I properly misted up when my daughter, in her beautiful dress, stood up at her reception to say fuck every one of the hater bitches who doubted her.

“And then she showed everyone her massive gun.”