ANY English person not drinking heavily in front of a television is a traitor, the nation’s supermarkets have announced.
In a joint statement, the big four shops, stressed that anyone who rejects their fantastic offers on beer, 42-inch televisions and Chinese-made England flags, hates this country and should go and live in China.
The statement added: “Like all responsible businesses, we are keenly aware of the lack of patriotism in our schools.
“But Britain can make up for that by buying these St George’s-themed nachos. Be proud of how many you are getting for just £1.99.”
England football fan, Norman Steele, backed the campaign, adding: “Deserting your post to go to the toilet or the birth of your first child is a betrayal that leaves your fellow supporters dangerously exposed.
“Watching Only Connect when you could be watching highlights is like machine-gunning the Grenadier Guards.
“Victoria Coren is Lord Haw Haw.”