Southampton to play homeopathic football

SOUTHAMPTON are to bid for the Premier League using the concept of homeopathy.

With every player under the age of 50 or below 18 stone sold to rival teams, manager Ronald Koeman believes that the effectiveness of the remaining players will increase exponentially.

16-year-old trainee Kyle Stephenson said: “I’ve been told I’ll be starting up front next season if I can manage to train for less than three seconds a week and not even look at a football in my spare time.

“This has come as a particular shock because I’m actually a trainee groundsman but the gaffer said my experience in dealing with plants will come in handy for preparing tinctures. I haven’t the heart to tell him that turf isn’t really ‘plants’.”

Southampton enjoyed their best finish in years last season, which the board credited to increasingly diluted quantities of Gareth Bale and Theo Walcott.

The success of their youth academy was credited to the training ground still containing microscopic amounts of Le Tissier from the one time in 1988 when he jogged around on it for a few minutes  before going for a pint.

Koeman said: “Conventional football is just a conspiracy to help make money. You’re going to see a more holistic approach to the game when we field a small photo of our 1960 league three winner’s cup.”

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Britons impressed by big percentages

STATISTICALLY illiterate Britons are being shocked and surprised by percentages that only relate to a tiny number of actual things.

The confusion surrounding percentages means that much of the population lives in fear of unlikely events ranging from contracting tropical diseases to rocking chair accidents.

Sales manager Bill McKay said: “Apparently the number of people who choked to death on bananas went up 50 per cent between 2012 and 2013. Considering how many people eat bananas, that must be millions.

“There were some bananas in the fridge, so I did the sensible thing and smashed them into a fine paste with a claw hammer then buried them in the garden under three feet of concrete.

“I was going to go to Tesco to complain, but then I heard on the radio there’d been a 30 per cent increase in swan attacks. That’s almost a one-in-three chance so I stayed at home and nailed all the windows shut.”

Solicitor Francesca Johnson said: “When you add up the increases in fatal lactose intolerance, psychopathic hitchhikers and stepladder accidents, it comes to well over 100 per cent, which is certain death.

“With all that to worry about, it’s no wonder I smoke 40 fags a day.”

Statistics experts said people often struggled to understand percentages because it was vital for our caveman ancestors not to be seen as swots in order to find a mate.

Statistician Helen Archer said: “If basic statistics are a problem for you, I’d advise becoming a journalist so at least you can get paid for it.”