Wenger addicted to losing

ARSENE Wenger is now a full-blown addict to Arsenal’s chronic inablity to win, it has emerged.

The Arsenal manager said that he first began to relish the feeling of raging exasperation when the Gunners went 4-0 up against Newcastle in 2011, only for Newcastle to pull the game back to 4-4 in the second half.

Wenger said: “At first, the emotions of that game felt negative – but as the second half went on, it was as if I was savouring the exquisite tang of a perfect vinaigrette á la moutarde.

“This acrid sensation in my belly, my loins, I could hardly contain myself. Ah, such plaisir!”

Since then, Wenger has dedicated his footballing genius to tactics that will ensure his team collapses like a souffle time and again.

He has combed Europe for the perfect combination of weak-kneed underachievers who can deliver the galling failure he craves.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “When Van Persie achieved the sort of goalscoring consistency that might have seen Arsenal win something, anything, Wenger dropped hints to the player that he might be happier at a bigger club such as Manchester United.

“And when players such as Diaby and Jack Wilshere showed promise, Wenger would sneak into the kit room and butter the studs on their boots to ensure they slipped and suffered longterm injuries.

Wenger said that while he may look like he is suffering agonies on the touchline, he is actually experiencing a rare form of extreme pleasure: “It is for that reason I wear that long coat.

“When your team is losing, fans do not like to look down at their manager and see that he is in the throes of sexual arousal.”



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TV adverts mislead public into believing Christmas is good

SEASONAL television adverts create a false impression that Christmas is enjoyable, it has been confirmed.

Experts believe television commercials depicting harmonious families, train journeys unaffected by snow and women receiving gifts of tasteful underwear deliberately misrepresent the true horror of the festive season.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Only kids, Jesus and idiots like Christmas.

“For normal adults, you’re just in a house with near-strangers, trapped by hostile weather conditions – it’s like the aftermath of nuclear war.

“It’s worth remembering that behind the lavishly-produced story of a lovelorn snowman is a group of people who just want your credit card details.”

Professor Brubaker proposed new advertising guidelines under which the word ‘Christmas’ must always be preceded by the word ‘fucking’.

He said: “Slogans like ‘Fucking Christmas made easy’, Fucking Christmas is coming’ and ‘Fucking Christmas made fabulous’ would allow retailers to sell without creating an unrealistic expectation of universal good will.”