GIANFRANCO Zola will be sent to live on a farm where he will spend the rest of his days frolicking with other managers, according to the West Ham United board.
Chairman David Gold told worried fans that while the little chap is looking a bit fragile he will soon perk up when he gets in the back of the car.
Gold said: "Franco is a bit sickly, but I swear to you I am not going to take him out back and put a shotgun between those lovely, big eyes. It would be like machine-gunning Dougal from Father Ted."
He insisted that Zola really, really was going to live on a farm, unlike Alan Pardew who was given to a shelter but eventually had to be put down after that thing he said on Match of the Day.
But while results on the pitch have been disappointing this season, sales of fluffy Zola dolls have provided an unexpected source of revenue for the club as they are snapped up by teenage girls.
Co-owner David Sullivan said: "We're used to the merchandise shop having the occasional market trader in there buying a woollen hat to keep the wind off his bonce.
"But since we started making the little Zola dolls it's been rammed with Japanese schoolgirls, some of whom are very promising."
He added: "Proper cute these dolls, mind. You pull a string in their back and they have loads of different phrases like 'I'm trying to get the team playing attractive football' and 'please don't fire me'. Adorable."