Zoos unveil World Cup-predicting animals

ZOOKEEPERS have revealed the 400 animals which will predict the results of this year’s World Cup.

The animals hope to follow in the footsteps of 2010’s Paul the Octopus and pundits predict the competition will be far more intense and interesting than the football matches.

Wayne Hayes, from London Zoo said: “Brett the Zebra, with the uncanny ability to see the future granted to all African equids, has this World Cup locked up.

“Other animals don’t need to bother.”

But Mary Fisher, from Edinburgh Zoo, insisted: “Zebras know fuck all about football. You want astounding predictions from a black-and-white mammal, check out the prescient picks from Tian Tian the giant panda, sponsored by Bet365.”

A spokesman for Berlin Zoological Garden said: “Tian Tian couldn’t even guess the winner of the Scottish Premier League out of Celtic or Celtic.

“She should stick to bamboo and fertility problems and leave the punditry to Gottlieb the giant anaconda, who tells us who the winner is by eating capybara painted with national flags.”

Other prophetic animals include Barry the box jellyfish, Elmer the spot-breasted ibis, Chiyo the Thompson’s gazelle and Stephen the slime-mould from Braintree Spore Park.

Paul the Octopus, after successfully picking Spain as the winners in 2010, enjoyed sudden fame and embarked on a world tour before dying in the arms of a Las Vegas stripper.

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Andy Murray: Universal Soldier

0500 hrs: After my nightly hour’s sleep I’m in danger of fatally overheating so it’s time for my first ice bath of the day.

If I don’t cool my body to below 185°C, a series of catastrophic malfunctions will occur. First, I get a wee bit crabbit. Then I explode with the intensity of forty kilotonnes of TNT. And that type of injury could seriously affect my chances of centre court glory. Sometimes I get angry with the guys from the program that they couldn’t install an automatic fanning mechanism in this body. But extreme irritation causes me to overheat, so I try to focus on my game instead.

0700 hrs: I like to take a walk through the park to remind myself of the simple life I once knew, before I was assembled in the program. As per, I spend the morning punching pigeons out of the sky. This keeps my targeting skills razor sharp, and greatly improves my reach.

1300 hrs: It’s time to source the kilo of weapon grade uranium that I need in my sandwich to keep me match fit. I usually find this lying around the beach.

1700 hrs: I’ve experienced an error, and now only have one fully operational eye. The problem occurred because Beckham was filming one of his Pepsi commercials on the beach and one of the crew bet him he couldn’t chip a ball from 800 metres into my eye. I tried to give chase, but began to overheat and both kneecaps melted.

1800 hrs: Back at the lab, I’m engaged in essential repairs, which should only take around ten minutes. I remove the cornea of the damaged exo-eyeball to reveal the eyes they gave me in the program. They have oblong pupils, a phenomenon usually only found on octopuses and goats. This has augmented my game with the powers of camouflage, ink jets and totally pumped frolicking. I cover up the damaged area with a pair of Wayfarers and lightly adjust my hair-do.

1810 hrs: I have become frustrated with these melted kneecaps and make the executive decision to replace them with something more efficient. One of the guys from the program has left two Scotch eggs in the ashtray. They are the only items in my flat that possess the approximate dimensional requirements. After a short test run to the Londis and back, initial calculations indicate this upgrade could improve my clay court by as much as sixty percent. I try not to get too excited about it because of overheating concerns.