The pleb's guide to dressing up all fancy like a twat for Cheltenham

GOING to the races and want to look fancy when your normal attire is trackie bottoms and trainers? Here’s how to dress for Cheltenham on a budget.

For women

A look that’s in is a kind of ‘fake posh horsey person’, with a trilby, tweed jacket and knee-high boots. Don’t worry, you can get cheapo versions of all of these from Primark. The overall look should be ‘poundshop Kate Middleton’ and if you’re still worried about the cost it can be repurposed as an Indiana Jones costume for Halloween. 

Alternatively there’s the glamorous look, especially on Ladies’ Day. Instead of wearing clothes appropriate for the fact that it’s March and therefore freezing and likely to piss with rain, you have to wear a small, frilly dress and heels. On top of all this you have to wear the stupidest f**king hat you can find, or you’ll be turned away at the gate. 

Buy some cheap tat online from Boohoo or Missguided, because you’ll just vomit on it in the taxi home after you’ve necked too much of the cheap rosé and vodka you stashed in your handbag.

For men

If you already think that dressing up as Tommy Shelby is the height of fashion, you’re in luck because this year Cheltenham looks like a particularly extra-packed episode of Peaky Blinders, though without the potential for violent death, unless you’re a horse. 

Once again it needn’t break the bank as you can buy the appropriate garb at Topman, then safely wear it to Spoons the next week without being accused of being a poof for wearing a tie.

The alternative is something utterly mental, such as an entire outfit in a check pattern, including shirt and trousers. Ostentatious clothes like this cost a fortune, because they’re for posh people who are weirdos due to being inbred. If you actually think it looks good you deserve to get rinsed by an outfitter who’s secretly having a good laugh at his customers.

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The six post-pandemic twats to avoid at a festival this year

YOUNG people are getting ready for this summer’s festivals, as are vacuous wankers with two years of pent-up twattery to unleash: 

The Hugger

To this dude uncomfortably long embraces are the new normal. Loving life after lockdown and everyone in it, especially women aged 18-35, this twat is so glad social distancing is over he throws his welcoming arms around everyone. Again, particularly emphasising pretty girls.

The Conspiracist

A former militant anti-vaxxer who switched overnight to being an an armageddon doom-monger, he will consume all your precious moments of drug-induced befuddlement regurgitating half-remembered YouTubes about Russian-funded nanobots. That’s your paranoia sorted.

The Entrepreneur

Lockdowns were a unique business opportunity to this particular variant of übertwat. Getting into PPE procurement at the right time made him millions. With a lock-screen photo of himself at a Downing Street party, this disaster capitalist is a disaster to be around.

The Volcano Oversharer

Lying dormant for two years, this peppy exhibitionist will bounce around spilling beer and demanding a bump of coke wherever she goes, erupting a lava-hot stream of compressed lockdown bollocks. She’s really pleased to see you! No, like really pleased to see you? Like it’s so incredible to see you. Repeated ad infinitum.

The Post-Bedroom Influencer

With 35+ followers on Instagram, this twat gnaws at every sensitive nerve with faux American over-sincere humblebraggery, blagging any product possible in the desperate hope of attracting sponsors’ cash. No longer locked-down in her bedroom for the public’s safety, she’s super-psyched to be streaming Lewis Capaldi’s set to no-one.

The Away-From-Home Homeworker

Why would you ever leave work now you don’t have to? Inevitably in marketing, this twat hasn’t taken his AirPods out since 2019 and will lapse into a stream of buzzwords to a colleague just as Phoebe Bridgers is doing the quiet bit. Though mostly he’ll be telling people, loudly: ‘Yeah! I’m at a festival! Amazing mate!’