Women better than men

WOMEN are officially loads better than men, the Euro 22 final has proved. 

By beating Germany in a major final, England’s female footballers have settled once and for all the question of which sex is superior because it is without doubt the women.

Nathan Muir of Northampton said: “We had a good run. Pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes, claiming to be good at stuff, all that. But it’s over now.

“Once a team of women cruises to the final of the Euros, putting eight past Norway and four past Sweden and then does Germany over to lift the trophy, then there’s no hiding it. Men are a load of shit.

“Football’s the ultimate yardstick, surely? There’s no more accurate indicator of quality than the beautiful game. And the blokes f**ked up their penalties and the Lionesses didn’t even need them. Case closed.

“I’ve apologised to the wife, I’ve accepted my place as society’s underdog, and I’ve fired off an email to the boss demanding I and all other male employees be paid 7.9 per cent less than the women, backdated to the start of the tournament.

“Sorry girls. We’re such a bunch of arrogant dicks that we fooled ourselves into thinking we were better. Thanks for showing us how wrong we were.”

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15 things not to say during tonight's final

TODAY’S Euro 2022 final between England and Germany is a historic occasion which the country is obligated to watch. So avoid saying these things:

‘Not really as good now it’s not revenge for the war, is it?’

‘I think I must be one of those liberal progressive-type men, because I don’t really fancy any of them.’

‘Ponytail ponytail ponytail. It’s a big occasion, why have none of them gone for a nice updo?’

‘It really is incredible that we’re watching England in the final of a major tournament when the football’s Championship level at best.’

‘It’s nice it’s on in the afternoon so it doesn’t cancel Murder In Provence. That’s women, you see, considerate.’

‘Ooh did you see the face on that one when she got tackled? Looking absolute daggers at that other bitch. There’ll be trouble later.’

‘Which ones are lesbians? I can’t tell.’

‘You see love, this proves it’s possible for a woman to understand the offside rule. Do you want me to go through it again?’

‘Now that one, she’s been bought by Barcelona. Not proper Barcelona, obviously.’

‘Imagine if they were playing the East German women from the 80s. Drugged up the eyeballs and built like brick shithouses. It’d be like 70s Leeds vs under-12s from a Steiner school.’

‘You’d have thought they’d score more goals, what with it being the final and women supposed to be people-pleasers.’

‘Have they got WAGs have they? It’s just you never see them in Take A Break. That’s discrimination.’

‘Gives the defender more options, the female game; for example you see Millie Bright there just elbowed Klara Bühl right in the tit.’

‘Do they do the full 90 minutes? I’d have thought it’d be shorter for girls, like Wimbledon.’

‘We’re all winners just because they’ve got this far. But if they don’t actually win they’re a load of useless wankers.’