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Women maxed out on footballing inspiration

ENGLAND’S women have admitted they have reached a saturation point of being inspired by the Lionesses’ heroics. 

Having watched England’s heroines triumph through adversity to retain their European title, English women have confirmed they are at the limits of their capacity to be motivated by footballing success.

Helen Archer of Croydon said: “I was inspired last time. I’ve remained inspired, in a general ‘aren’t women great, we can do anything’ sort of way. I can’t be inspired more.

“After the 2022 victory I bought shin pads and sent round emails about organising a five-a-side. It didn’t happen, which I was secretly glad about, but I did it and I can’t really do it again.

“Even seeing Wiegman’s girls all leaping about left me nothing but numb and confused. It felt like a repeat.”

Accountant Lucy Parry agreed: “There’s only so much stereotype-smashing before the waves of girl power euphoria wears off. Maybe if we conquer another male-dominated field like finance or construction I’ll feel like a supercharged suffragette again.

“Even hearing about Lucy Bronze playing with a fractured tibia only made me worry she’d set the bar impossibly high for women everywhere and I’ll end up paying the price.

“Also, I’m not really fussed about football.”

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Six household chores which don't really need doing, surely

NOT every chore is necessary. Many are pointless busywork invented by bored obsessives making problems for themselves to triumphantly solve. Skip these guilt-free: 

Dusting

Most dust is made up of dead skin cells: that means it’s you. Why are you cleaning up yourself from your own flat? It’s not an AirBNB, you don’t have to remove every personal touch in case strangers masturbate over them. Luxuriate in your own personalised environment. Until it looks like you breed moths, then give it a cursory wipe.

Recycling glass

Glass? That beautiful, transparent material which looks so beguiling with the sunlight shining through? Why get rid of it when you can DIY a magical windowsill kaleidoscope of empty Becks bottles and Marmite jars? Every dawn will be like waking up beneath the rose window of Notre Dame.

Mowing the lawn

It’s not good for bees, it’s not good for your arms, it’s no way to begin a hungover Sunday. Rewild your garden by doing absolutely bugger all and soon you’ll have waist-high grass and the same pride in yourself as an eco-warrior you would have had by voting Green, if you hadn’t forgotten. Also great for concealing litter.

Bleaching anything

Bacteria is a living thing which may, you’re able to believe because you haven’t looked it up, have civilisations as advanced as ours but smaller. How would you feel if Cardiff got wiped out by a giant wielding a bottle of Toilet Duck? Not cool, man. You don’t deserve to live more than the black mould between your bathroom tiles does.

Ironing

Nobody wants to look like the uptight office square, reporting others for being unpunctual and never invited for drinks, but if you let an iron press your clothes that’s who you are. Let the creases in. They’re a sign your clothes have lived, seen the sun, and been on the floor of several mandala-decorated bedrooms.

Making the bed

“I have tidied this all up. Now I will leave it, and the room it is within, for 12-16 hours until I return to it and immediately render that task entirely pointless.” Some versions also include the addition and subtraction of multiple throw cushions.

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