Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you complete your novel about a dejected historian who becomes convinced that inanimate objects and emotional situations encroach on his ability to define himself. It needs a car chase.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If music be the food of love, play on. No. Wait a minute… my leg’s in the wrong place… ow, ow, OW. Okay – play on.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
There’s nothing that says ‘date night’ like a van with the windows blacked out.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A week after poking the Duchess of Cornwall in the ribs with a stick you get a phone call from Clarence House asking you turn up at the staff entrance at 10.30pm with the stick, a bottle of Grand Marnier and no pants on. Let’s just hope it’s not a threesome.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
“LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!” That’s why you weren’t invited.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week a 42 year-old man from Bolton downed a large meat pie in less than 24 seconds. While you just sat there.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
There’s something in the way she moves me, that makes her like no other lover. I also like her staunch Catholicism, traditional values and determination to appear on Strictly Come Dancing despite her physical appearance.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, why not put a picture of Valdimir Putin’s alleged mistress on the cover of Russian Vogue? He won’t mind.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
They told me I had to speak to you. No, I explained all this to them and they said I had to speak to you. No. I understand that… I understand that. I am just saying that they told me that I had to speak to you. But if I go back to them they will just tell me that I have to speak to you. Please stop this. Please… please… please…. please… aaaaaargh… aaaaaaaaargh… aaaaaaaaaargh… aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh… AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH…. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Thank you. It’s ‘Psychic Bob’. That’s P-S-Y-C….
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
So you didn’t win the X Factor. Never mind, you didn’t deserve to.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Luckily, I went to see Bad Manners instead. ‘Lip up fatty, ah lip up fatty, for the reggae’. They were quite good.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This Friday, when your boss takes you to one side at the Christmas party and tells you that if you stick with him you will have a big future with this company, tell him that everything he stands for is soul-shatteringly worthless and you would love nothing more than to vomit into a gaping wound in his chest.