A GLUT of predictable Christmas TV fare awaits viewers, so the channels could at liven it up with some explicit – but tasteful – nudity. Here’s which shows would be radically improved.
Nigella: At My Table
Nigella’s career has been based on making food sexy, or more precisely, discovering a fit posh bird will get people to watch tedious things like someone making shortcrust pastry. As such some nudity would be a lovely ‘thank you’ to the fans. Nothing too explicit, just a few shots of nipples and buttocks as she coquettishly makes garlic and parmesan potato gratin.
Call the Midwife
What better way to leaven weighty social issues like teenage pregnancy, drug addiction and the health needs of the traveller community than with some playful soft-core nudity? This would in no way be exploiting coincidentally attractive cast members like Helen George; hot nurses are a staple of Britain’s most respected dramas such as The Singing Detective. And Jenny Agutter has valuable experience of playing a naked nurse in An American Werewolf in London.
Wallace & Gromit: Vengeance Most Fowl
Popular, long-running shows face the question of how to keep the formula fresh. And the answer is: claymation erotica. Wallace and Gromit naked would be a more adult side to their characters we haven’t seen yet, and, for obvious reasons, they’d be two big stars who wouldn’t make a fuss about getting their kit off.
The Night Manager
Suave posho Tom Hiddleston’s many female fans would love to see him in the buff. This could be achieved naturally within the story by having Hiddy’s character change his career in hospitality from hotel manager to running a nudist resort. And with The Great Peep Show Christmas Bake Off also on this Christmas, a naked Olivia Colman would be a double treat for fans of the Channel 4 sitcom.
The Celebrity Apprentice Christmas Special
There’d be something for everyone here, with former Gladiators hunk Matt Morsia stripping off for the ladies and hot Irish TV presenter Angela Scanlon for the fellas. The bullshit business tasks would be performed in progressive states of undress and finally nudity. This would delight Sir Alan’s many haters as he is forced to recite gobshite catchphrases such as ‘I don’t like liars. I don’t like cheats. I don’t like bullshitters’ with his dick hanging out.
EastEnders
For years EastEnders has been chasing Christmas ratings with increasingly horrific events, so a murder or sex crime is a pretty standard Boxing Day occurrence. The problem is, this strategy eventually leaves the writers with no way to up the ante without shoehorning in a chainsaw-wielding maniac. But there is one guaranteed way to ramp up the horror for viewers – random nude scenes featuring Phil Mitchell in the shower or a tight close-up of Max Branning’s penis.
James Martin’s New Year’s Day
ITV hasn’t really pushed the boat out this year, with bold choices of Christmas film like Love Actually and a swamp of no-effort, fill-the-schedules seasonal mush like this. There is literally no demand to see James Martin naked, but it might add a tiny sliver of novelty to watching him make turkey curry with exciting guests like Aled Jones.
