HOT honey – honey, but with chilli in – is the flavour of the moment. So would you therefore be justified in stripping naked and basting your genitalia in it? We find out: 

Hot honey? No, not a girl from one of the rap videos I used to watch circa 2005-2011, but the latest culinary sensation sweeping the nation. As in it’s over in London and just beginning to be heard of in Wales.

It adds a sweet-and-spicy kick to pepperoni pizza, is delicious for dipping nuggets, and adds a blast of warm ‘mmm’ to your margarita. It’s versatile, delectable and fun.

But if you’re anything like me, you’re already asking yourself: how can I apply this charismatic new condiment to the parts of me most sensitive to new thrills, my knackers?

Well, this isn’t like pulled pork where you just rub against it disappointingly, or CBD which so soothed my penile anxiety I was on the slack for a month though that may have been psychological.

No, when my partner and I – she’s game for anything – spread our legs wide and each squeezed a full bottle of hot honey down there, the initial feeling was one of stickiness. Then the bees truly began to buzz.

A burning sensation grew, reminding me of that time we both caught the clap in Croatia, and just kept building. ‘That’s the habanero,’ I croaked out as we fought to get to a cold tap. As a gentleman I let her use the bath.

But this isn’t like when I submerged my cock and balls in chilli oil. No, the viscous quality of the hot honey meant it was hell to clean off and kept tingling for up to 72 hours after. My partner? She’s left me.