Friday, 14th May 2021

Five types of twat who are already back at the pub

PUBS have barely reopened and here are the five types of twat who are already there, ruining it for everyone else.

The red-faced twat

A stalwart of any country pub, this red-faced bastard will sit in the corner taking up a four-person table all on his own, speaking to no-one and looking miserable to be there. With any luck he’ll be so pissed by 4pm he can stop being a shit to staff and stumble home to be a shit to his wife, three kids and four labradors.

The fancy IPA twat

Despite getting a crate delivered from their favourite indie brewery to home once a month, the fancy IPA twat will claim that their obscure craft beer, named and apparently themed after a South American brutalist architect, tastes best when handed to them by a man with a top-knot and an idea for a start-up that ‘totally revolutionises the folding bike industry’.

The ‘it’s been a rough year’ twat

These twats were the first back at the bar last year, did Eat Out To Help Out four times a week and have been meeting up with six different people every day for the last fortnight. They’ll also claim that they’ve had the worst year of anyone so have earned their all-day booking for the only table that’s not by the bins.

‘Support your local’ twat

Flashing their CAMRA membership and loudly proclaiming their love of ‘pub culture’, these twats honestly believe that their dressed-up alcoholism is the only thing keeping their ‘community local’ alive. Expect them to bully their way into the indoor area claiming they’ve been given special permission by the landlord to sit at their usual table, national law be damned.

The organised twat

While most of us completely forgot to book, the meticulously-organised twat will have had their slot for months and will be making the most of every second. Laser-focused on packing a whole night’s drinking into a four-hour time period, they have alerts set up on their phone to get another round in every 15 minutes. Godspeed to them and their livers, but here’s hoping they collapse soon so us disorganised twats get a go.