Danger Mouse to get gritty origin story

A NEW version of Danger Mouse will reveal how the main character lost an eye during torture.

The CBBC series Danger Mouse: Origins will be more hard-edged than the 1980s children’s cartoon, focusing on how Danger Mouse sacrificed a normal life for a career in espionage and his obsessive pursuit of the evil toad Baron Greenback.

Co-creator Brian Cosgrove said: “Beginning in the midst of the Cold War, we see DM go from being an idealistic young MI6 mouse to a compromised borderline alcoholic living in a pillar box in central London.

“He questions everything he believes in when he is ordered to help the CIA overthrow a democratically elected government in South America, and witnesses an army death squad massacring civilians from his tiny flying car.”

Children will also finally find out how Danger Mouse got his trademark eye patch. After being captured by Baron Greenback’s hench-toads, a merciless beating with lengths of steel cable resulted in the loss of his left eye.

Six-year-old Tom Logan said: “It was good but I think Danger Mouse should have given electric shocks to the Al Quaeda pigeons himself, instead of letting the Syrian security badgers do all his dirty work.

“Also making Penfold gay didn’t really add anything.”

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Stop asking us about f*cking football results, say octopuses

OCTOPUSES have confirmed that they are not psychic and would prefer to be left alone.

The cephalopods reported being bothered by people demanding football prophecies, some of whom persisted even after being squirted with a defensive ink jet.

Aquarium-based octopus Tom Booker said: “To all those people who keep banging on my tank, I have no clue who is going to win your bipedal ball-based activity.

“I don’t really get your concept of ‘nations’. I see the world as ‘water’ and ‘land’.

“I’m mainly interested in things that happen in water.

“Because I am a fucking octopus.”

Wild octopus Emma Bradford said: “As soon as I come within two feet of the surface some jackass is poking me with a stick and demanding to know next week’s so-called goals.

“What do I look like? Octadamus? If I had a stick-on beard and a shiny pebble that I gazed into would that please you?”

Original World Cup ‘oracle’ octopus Paul spent most of his life in a German aquarium, but after rising to prominence he left to go on the road with an ex-stripper, organising seances in the homes of rich old ladies and eventually getting stabbed in a bar brawl.