KIM Jong Un has told Hollywood to stick to sexually attractive vampires or he will have everyone killed.
The fat little dictator said he was a huge fan of Twilight, Trueblood and The Hunger, starring Catherine Deneuve, adding: “Just do that now.”
In a statement read out by a terrified North Korean newsreader, Kim said: “I used to like Steven Spielberg but I’ve gone off him, so please have him publicly executed in the manner of your choosing.
“I much admire The West Wing – Jed Bartlet is my role model – and so Aaron Sorkin will write 200 new Twilight scripts. Each will be better than the last or death will come in the form of a bear.
“And Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will rekindle their romance so as to increase my enjoyment of the films. They are both healthy and attractive and the thought of their intercourse will please me.”
A spokesman for Sony Pictures said: “We have no choice but to obey. He is the President of North Korea and therefore completely invincible.”