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Gig ticket cost to be inversely linked to how many new songs they play

THE price of concert tickets will now be reduced based on how many tracks from their new album nobody gives a f**k about the audience has to endure. 

New government guidelines mean legacy acts who insist their new music is relevant or wanted must cut ticket prices by up to 95 per cent, while those who play only the hits will be rewarded accordingly.

Culture secretary Lisa Nandy said: “Sick of being ripped off by David Byrne playing solo shite when the whole audience wants Talking Heads? Now you won’t have to.

“Acts like Oasis, who proudly refuse to bore their fans with any track recorded post-2000, can keep every penny of the £400 they asked of their fans. Morrissey? Can legally only charge £3.26.

“It’s time these so-called artists got the message: we’re only interested in the hits you had when you were young and vital. Your new material sickens us.”

The rule will apply across the board, with Bon Jovi at Wembley Stadium facing severe penalties if they play any track recorded post-Greatest Hits. Meanwhile, EMF will lose out on 15 per cent of the door at the Exeter Phoenix if they play anything but Unbelievable.

Pop acts like Harry Styles whose new material is popular are exempt, because nobody goes to see them except girls anyway.

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The last five people who might still like Keir Starmer

TRUMP has added Keir Starmer to his Losers’ List after the prime minister refused to let him use our bases for bombing. These are the last five people who may still like him: 

Anyone who doesn’t follow the news

If you voted for ‘no more drama’ in 2024 and then stopped paying attention, you’re happy enough. Keir looks professional enough with his glasses and neat side parting if you don’t really care who he is or what he does. His awkwardly squirming through press briefings has a calming effect too, like the background hum of a fridge freezer.

His childhood best friend

Their Reigate Grammar days are in the past, but the formative memories are with you for life. There was that time Starmer stepped in to stop a fight before changing his mind and siding with the bullies, and who could forget when he successfully argued for more homework? It’s reassuring to this old friend that Starmer hasn’t changed a bit.

The most centrist of dads

Politically homeless centrist dads still like Starmer by default. They’re never going back to the Tories, and Reform are out of the question. The Greens are new and scary and the Lib Dems are too accurate a reflection of their own impotence. So via a grim process of elimination they retain their grudging tolerance for Starmer.

His wife

She sort of has to, what with being married to him. And a high status job helps to make him appear more attractive than he actually is. But as she lies awake at night next to him, she’ll surely question whether she actually likes her husband anymore or if she’s just used to him. And if she wouldn’t prefer Angela Rayner.

Keir Starmer

Keir Starmer loved himself when he first got elected. He looked himself in the mirror every morning with a thin smile. Two years later, it’s a different story. Each day is a new humiliation with no reprieve in sight. He doesn’t hate himself like the public does, but the idea of faking his death and adopting a new identity has been investigated.

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