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Hold My Hand, and five other songs you'll hate forever because they were in adverts

YOU quite liked it. Then it was in an advert, and 200+ involuntary listens curdled that into hate. These are the songs you can no longer hear without your mind adding the relevant slogan:

Hold My Hand by Jess Glynne, 2015

The Jet2 advert already made it horribly overplayed, then the TikTok kids got hold of it. Add to that a vocal so piercing it could penetrate tank armour and the ad showing attractive people going on holiday while you’re stuck in Britain’s freezing rain, and it makes you want to ban holidays, Jess Glynne and happiness.

Sandstorm by Darude, 1999

Got loved up clubbing memories attached to this track? They’ve been overwritten by Tesco using it, most appositely, to ‘celebrate 30 years of the Tesco Clubcard’. The advert suggests loyalty cards are a deep, lifelong emotional journey you share with your spouse. What else are these couples celebrating? Their 10th anniversary of being with ScottishPower?

Only You (And You Alone) by The Platters, 1955

Overwrought 1950s crooning has its fans, but not after it’s been dubbed over slow-mo footage of youngsters in Adidas Originals sportswear. Now it’s irritating and pretentious because you can’t stop picturing advertising twats wanking on about ‘juxtaposing timeless classics with an edgy urban millennial street vibe’.

Loaded by Primal Scream, 1990

Once an astonishing blend of dance and rock with a famous ‘we wanna get loaded’ sample about wild, uncaring hedonism. Now selling Ford Fiestas. Not helped by Keeley Hawes spouting drivel like ‘How far we’ve come can’t always be measured in miles’ while driving the aforementioned small family hatchback.

99 Red Balloons by Nena, 1984

How could Ribena cheapen the memory of everyone’s favourite German prophet of nuclear annihilation? The ad is a heartstring-tugger, depicting a now-adult brother and sister reliving childhood memories of playing in the rain and drinking Ribena. But is unlikely to have done much for sales as it also triggered memories of Threads.

Let Forever Be by The Chemical Brothers, 1999

Can you forever taint a cracking Chemical Brothers track with an Ocado ad? Yes. The ad in question depicts a joyful family party at home, but played out backwards. Why? Because an ad agency creative remembered Tenet and decided to rip that off to buy Audis and cocaine.

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What it's like in Britain, by a MAGA American who's never been

By Joe Turner III, swamp boat operator

AS a proud resident of Alabama who has never even visited New York, I’m an expert on the hellish lives of UK residents. Let me tell you Brits about it: 

Sadiq Khan is your King

The monarchy was usurped shortly after Trump’s visit. Charles is in the Tower of London now, with the ravens and his brother. Khan rules London as King on a throne made of Christian bones. From it he orders his E-bike gangs to snatch celebrity Rolexes. He wears ten on each arm and pretends his arms are made of gold.

Christianity is illegal and so is Christmas

If you say ‘Merry Christmas’ in Britain? You’ll be imprisoned, same as if you dare tweet support for Trump which is why they don’t. They actually have huge Christmas jails, policed by armed asylum seekers. One time this loving couple in their 80s tried to pull a cracker, hidden by their sleeves, under cover of darkness. They were shot.

Speech is illegal

It wasn’t enough for the Brits to make some speech illegal. Khan knew people would try and express forbidden sentiments using irony, which is this kind of code they have over there similar to pig Latin. So now it’s illegal for any of them to speak. They all just have to be silent the whole time. They can’t even be polite, which kills them.

They all wish they were American

Also goes for the rest of Europe. They pretend they’ve got their own culture and language but it’s just a front like when a woman says she isn’t interested in you. Britons watch Law & Order just like we do and yearn to have all our shit, like enormous pick-up trucks and an armed populace. An invasion would be greeted with open arms and garlands of roses.

Tommy Robinson is leading the human resistance

There’s this one brave guy, Tommy Robinson? He will not bow down to the new Caliphate founded on the ashes of London. He’s hiding in a place called Tenerife in the Scottish Highlands, with only a rag-tag army of patriots and £500m of funding from Elon Musk. All Britain supports him. He actually won the last election but they rigged it.

All the above also applies to Ireland

Little known fact, Ireland is also British. It’s why they all talk English. Dublin isn’t, that’s a theme park operated by the Disney corporation, but yeah, same King, same people, same weather. The IRA, Boston’s Army as we know them, were actually fighting for liberation from the immigrants. Great bunch of guys. Not like Khan’s terrorists.

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