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I will fight anyone in this Nuneaton Kwik Fit who doesn't agree Train Dreams should have won

AN injustice has been done. And if any of you bastards here replacing tyres dares suggest Train Dreams’s sublime meditation on civilisation rightly lost, I will f**k you up. 

Do not come in here for your MOT with this One Battle After Another shit. That’s a f**king lifetime achievement award dressed up as a Best Picture Oscar, you midwit prick. That film was as confused as you’ll be when you get your bill.

Sinners? Are you taking the piss? Didn’t even deserve to win Best 18-Certificate Film The Corner Shop Will Rent You Even Though You’re Underage In 1986, though that was definitely its category.

Whereas Train Dreams was a liminal odyssey through a world we’ve lost, breathtaking cinematography, positively Malickian. Yes it’s an adjective Terry, means ‘characteristic or reminiscent of the work of film director Terrence Malick’. Christ you’re ignorant.

No, the largely silent protagonist wasn’t ‘like Grand Theft Auto III’. That was a choice. It meant he was a lens through which we view the destruction of wilderness, the joy and sadness men take in it, how it leaves them changed. If you didn’t get that you’re a dickhead.

Yeah, I’ll get to changing the bulbs on that Honda Civic, but can we at least agree in here it was far and away the most rapturous piece of cinema in 2025? I mean the Academy couldn’t but we’re not twats.

They didn’t understand working men like us can have rich inner emotional lives, exactly. Stuck-up wankers. Len, mate, if you say ‘I liked F1’ one more time I’ll f**king lamp you.

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Ellie-Maes, and other people who claim to have two first names

ONE was good enough for Jesus, Elvis and Buddha, but the greedy not only insist they have two first names but demand to be called by them. What can we learn from these freaks? 

Ellie-Mae

Actually has some pedigree as the name of the girl from The Beverly Hillbillies, though it’s unlikely the parent who bestowed this knows such acknowledged classics of the silver screen. Some children have their names put down for Eton at birth; babies called Ellie-Mae have their names put down on a waiting list for a trainee position at a local beauty salon.

Lily-Rose

Destined to be a waifish, pixie-like creature described with words like ‘enchanting,’ ‘elfin’ and ‘a bit wet frankly’. They spend most of their time buying scented candles and drawing pictures of unicorns. Nothing dramatic ever happens to a Lily-Rose, though they believe everything does.

Ava-Grace

An Ava-Grace is a woman who has her shit together. Forced to spell her name to everyone she meets, she naturally assumes she lives in a world of f**king idiots and takes command accordingly. Has never had a Pot Noodle and believes Love Island should be closed to shipping. Find her silently judging your shopping basket in Waitrose.

Charlie-Lou

Permanently the baby of the group. Wide-eyed, candyfloss-fuelled and incapable of outgrowing Christmas excitement, they move through adulthood with a baffling innocence. Even aged 43, a Charlie-Lou can be spotted clapping during the exciting part of a film.

Tommy-Lee

Could go either way. For men there is charisma, mischief and the faint promise of learning the guitar if not too busy attending appointments at sexually transmitted disease clinics. If female, will hang out at the same rock pubs but be f**king angry about a name that condemns her to a cleavage tattoo.

Ruby-Ann

Ruby-Anns appear to have wandered into British life from a 1950s Technicolor film. All wholesome smiles, cardigans and make-out sessions at Lover’s Creek. Permanently positioned next door to trouble, but never involved in it. How do two names add up to plain boring?

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