BRITAIN is allegedly hooked on The Celebrity Traitors, the show where celebrities pretend to be cunning strategists while being outwitted by Alan Carr. But is it time to admit the game makes no sense?
The money is for charity
Why do they care so much about being murdered or banished when the prize money is for charity? They’re all multimillionaires so could easily cough up that amount for sick squirrels without having to screw over Celia Imrie. ‘Ooh,’ they gasp as £10,000 is added to the pot, people who would not turn on Christmas lights in Norwich for such a paltry sum.
They don’t need to catch Traitors early
While it’s fun to watch Claudia upbraiding Stephen Fry for being a moron, their howls at not voting out Traitors instantly are unnecessary. The show has a fixed number of episodes so if they catch them at the start, they’ll just recruit more and you won’t know who those are. Better to suspect who the Traitors are, relax, not say anything and then vote them off at the end, having sent successive Faithfuls to the slaughter. Nick knows this but the others are too thick to understand.
People aren’t murdered because they’re a threat
Every recently deceased Faithful swears blind they were murdered because they were a ‘threat’. Look, they have to murder someone, so it’s more likely to be pinning the blame on someone else, or because you’re just there, or because they think you’re a bit of a twat.
The Faithfuls are terrified of intelligence
It’s like the Salem witch trials in the early stages, as contestants become convinced that anyone with an ounce of smarts must be a dangerous manipulator to be burnt at the stake immediately. There are echoes of this in Joe Marler’s ‘Big Dog’ theory. Although he is actually kind of right.
People protest they don’t have the personality to be a Traitor
They’ve literally signed up for a televised game called ‘Traitors’ and put themselves blindfolded in a room where Claudia could select them. Yet, they protest, agonised, that ‘I could never be a Traitor’. Okay, so she does ask them which they want to be, but they’ve still come on a TV show based around deception, only to look outraged when someone accuses them of being a duplicitous scumbag.
It’s better to keep voting off genuine Faithfuls at the end
Once they get to the final, they all have to agree they’re Faithfuls before ending the game and splitting the gains. Unsurprisingly, ‘suspicions’ start to be aroused about people who have until now seemed wholly innocent. It’s called ‘greed’, not ‘gut instinct’.
That Seer thing last season made no sense at all
Just ruined it. Surely it defeats the object of the game to make a Traitor reveal themselves to a Faithful? Then the only strategy when they get out of the meeting is to accuse each other of being Traitors and both get voted out as suspicious.
It’s impossible to defend yourself
When the accusations are that you’re a Traitor because you’re a bit clever or were slightly shit at a challenge, it’s basically impossible to defend yourself. It’s all vibes-based analysis, really. You’d expect only the highest standards of intellectual rigour and icily logical thinking from celebrities known for EastEnders and being good at swimming.
