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What your girlfriend is looking at on her phone vs what she's telling you

PARTNER endlessly scrolling on her mobile? Ever wondered if she’s being entirely honest about what she’s looking at? Here’s the uncomfortable truth.

‘Just catching up on Insta, babe’

It’s Tinder. She’s not that into you and knows it won’t last, so she’s keeping her options open. Unlike you, who thinks you’ve found the love of your life and recently asked her to move in. That romantic marriage proposal you’re meticulously planning won’t end well either. It all feels so unfair, but at least she’s having to swipe through thousands of absolute twats.

‘Just catching up on the news’

By which she means stalking your presence on her friends’ social media profiles. She bloody well knows you fancy Sally, and if there’s a single heart emoji on any of her Facebook profile pictures she’ll find it and you’ll be in the shit. You’ll protest your innocence – too bad you’ve forgotten scrolling while shitfaced a fortnight ago and leaving a heart and three wows on four of her pics.

‘Nothing much, just browsing’

Online shopping. There will be a tsunami of Vinted parcels delivered over the next fortnight, which she’s syphoned the cash for from that joint savings account you set up for a holiday to Greece next summer. Which she knows you won’t be going on, because she’s planning to dump you right after Christmas once she’s had your presents.

‘Just my sister texting again’

The sister who works in her office and is called Niall? He’s been sending her interesting, friendly texts slightly too consistently for it to be innocent. As a man you can instantly spot his ulterior motives, but you can’t really admit to having done exactly the same thing yourself, particularly as it reminds you of not having much success.

‘Aww, this video of a kitten, it’s sooo cute!’

Tragically, she’s telling the truth. Tragic because she’s about to sit next to you and force you to watch it, right in the middle of Match of the Day. You’ll be obliged to feign interest and avert your eyes from the TV just as your team scores that 89th minute winner against United. And the kitten wasn’t even one of those super-adorable fluffy ones anyway.

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To be fair you'd cheat on Lily Allen too. By David Harbour

I SEE Lily has treated the breakdown of our relationship with the respect it deserves, which is to say, by writing a song about my butt plugs. There’s a bit about a vasectomy as well, is there? Great.

I realise you’re only dimly aware of me due to Stranger Things and the aforementioned anal accessories. I am not surprised when people ask: ‘David, how could you possibly cheat on Lily Allen, a top pop star whose last album came out seven years ago and who has a good three songs you’d recognise?’ 

It is shocking, I know, that I turned to other women when I could have been listening to her singing and opinions all day, every day.

Make no mistake, Lily is totally the victim here, surprised and devastated by me shagging other women after she specifically agreed to it and laid down ground rules. They say I was jealous and threatened by her burgeoning acting career in 2:22 A Ghost Story – no, me neither – but that play was undoubtedly the beginning of a bright career doing Shakespeare and Ibsen, I’m sure. 

Lily has every right to be upset. Just like I’m sure her first husband was when she had sex with women and said it didn’t count because they were ladies. Obviously my shenanigans are not excused by the same logic. Or by having to spend Christmas with Keith Allen, which is, frankly, a big ask.

Perhaps Lily could compare notes on being the spurned spouse with Nicole Appleton, having boinked Liam Gallagher on a plane when he was still married to her. Credit to Nicole, whatever pain she felt at being exposed – who by? Was it perhaps Lily herself flogging a book? – she didn’t channel it into an album inexplicably containing reggae.  

Yes, I definitely agree we should feel sorry for my ex because of the incessant paparazzi and media attention she’s had over the years. Poor her, having all her personal issues dragged out in public, through no fault of her own. Yet again.

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