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Man buys Oasis box set, puts it on shelf, feels sad

A MIDDLE-AGED man is feeling oddly downhearted after buying an expensive limited edition box set of music by the favourite band of his youth.

Tom Logan, a 48-year-old systems analyst, spent £312.99 on a box containing all of Oasis’s studio albums on double gold vinyl, with all the good early ones remastered and an exclusive Polaroid of Liam Gallagher flicking the Vs to paparazzi in 1997.

Logan, whose unfulfilling job gives him a high disposable income, will never open the packaging of his purchase because to do so would affect the highly-collectible geegaw’s resale value and he can listen to them on Spotify anyway.

Instead he has placed it on a tragic shelf alongside his special edition U2 retrospective vinyl set with Bono-cock-shaped data-dildo, a Brian Eno anniversary unicorn and a presentation case containing Neil Young’s smegma.

He said: “I’m fairly sure this box set contains a magical portal back to my youth, when I had hair and fancied my wife. If only I could open it without downgrading it from ‘near mint’ to ‘excellent’.

“I ordered it specially from my local independent record store, where I suspect the young and attractive staff laugh at me behind my back.

“But, if nothing else, I suppose it is good to financially support ageing musicians already far wealthier than I am who will shortly sell their back catalogues to hedge funds for £1 billion.”

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Undressing, and five other things women can do sexily that men can't

THANKS to their feminine charms, women can turn things into seductive displays that would just make men look stupid. Such as these.

Undressing

Erotica is filled with sexy stripteases where women slink out of their cocktail dresses and whip off their bras with a flourish. You never see men return the favour though, and for good reason. There’s nothing arousing about a man trying to wrestle off his unwashed jeans, clumsily slither out of his Y-fronts, then wear himself out trying to remove his socks.

Not wearing underwear

Ladies may have lots more choice than men in their sexual armoury when it comes to racy underwear, but men can still send pulses racing with a crisp pair of boxers. Going without pants altogether though is strictly a woman’s game. If a bloke steps out without his undies, it doesn’t make him daring or irresistible like a woman, it means they’re all in the wash and he’s desperately hoping his trousers won’t smell nasty afterwards.

Batting their eyelashes

Fluttering the hairs on their eyelids may not sound that sexy on paper, but generations of men have fallen for this classic move for a reason. It’s coy yet flirtatious, inviting yet electrifying. Women will never know how it feels though because if a man were to try it then it would look like he’s got a twitch or an eye infection. Either way, he’s going home alone.

Maintaining lingering eye contact

Given that they’re so starved of female attention, an extra microsecond or two of eye contact across a crowded bar is all it takes to turn on most men. The same cannot be said when the roles are reversed. Men like to think they’re coming across as brooding or smouldering, whereas in reality they just look like massive creeps with poor social skills.

Running their fingers through their hair

Throwing back their glossy manes and running their hands through their locks is a tried-and-tested way for a woman to seduce a man. Sadly, if a man were to try this move, he would be met with a grim reminder of his receding hairline at best, or his total lack of follicles at worst. Or if he’s got plenty of hair, grease. Playing with his hirsute armpits doesn’t have the desired effect either.

Blowing a kiss

This is far too coquettish to be anything other than a female seduction technique. Even if a man is shredded and uses this gesture to show off his massive biceps, he’s still going to come across as deeply unattractive. He should also refrain from catching a woman’s kiss and clutching it to his heart. It always looks pathetic.

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