Mark E Smith named as X Factor judge

THE Fall frontman Mark E Smith is to be a judge in the next series of The X Factor

The 57-year-old Salfordian will mentor the groups to sing versions of Beyonce songs in a barking monotone through a megaphone while wearing polyester shirts.

Smith said: “The first thing I’ll be doing is firing half the members of the house band due to musical differences.”

Smith has also written the X Factor Christmas single Accrington Car Park Idiot.

There has already been tension during auditions, with Smith punching both Ant and Dec after accusing them of stealing his fags from his dressing room, as well as a fall out with Mel B over access to the show’s makeup artist.

Cowell said: “I’ve always been a massive Fall fan and if you listen to the Robson & Jerome album you can see it’s clearly influenced by Hex Enduction Hour.”

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Premier League teams staying in America

THE Premier League clubs touring the USA have informed their fans they prefer it over there and they’re not coming back.

Likes the idea of owning a handgun

Manchester United, Manchester City, Liverpool and Arsenal have put their British stadiums on the market after finding themselves unable to face returning home.

United manager Louis van Gaal said: “The overcrowding in England is ridiculous. Manchester United and Manchester City are two of the biggest clubs in the world but they are crammed into a single city like penniless house-sharing students.

“Over here there is room for a team to breathe.”

United and Liverpool already have dual citizenship because they’re US-owned, City have applied for a visa and Arsenal are lining up a green card marriage to San Jose Earthquakes.

The teams’ players have welcomed the move, though they have asked that strip clubs create a special Soccer Night to prevent NFL and NBA players making them look like tiny dicks.

Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers said: “English fans sneer at Major League Soccer, but you can’t say with a straight face that a club from New York is lesser than one from Swansea.

“Plus they don’t have relegation over here, so nobody would ever have to play Leeds ever again. It’s worth it just for that.”