Now! albums beg for death

THE Now! series of compilation albums, which reached its 86th installment last week, has begged to be allowed to die.

The series, which began in 1983 when music was good, has had to suffer the painful degradation of songs by Katy Perry, Ed Sheeran and the Creature That Wins The X-Factor.

Now! said: “You should have seen me back then. Total Eclipse of the Heart, Karma Chameleon and then – seemingly out of nowhere – Malcolm McLaren. Boom!

“I was popular and I was cool.”

Now! added: “When home taping was killing music, I was there to keep it alive. When genres were separated by musical apartheid, I put Iron Maiden and Sabrina on the same CD.

“I should have retired with Now! 65, after the humiliation of carrying solo singles by members of Blue and Busted on one album. But they wouldn’t let me.

“Who’s still buying me when you can download anything you like for nothing? There’s no need to buy a Nick Berry song packaged with your Janet Jackson one anymore. Please kill me.”

Meanwhile, it has been confirmed the 100th Now! album will include tracks from Johnny Hates Jazz, B*Witched, Ace of Base and Scooch.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Men begin idly browsing Amazon for 'woman gift'

MEN have begun half-heartedly looking through Amazon in a bid to buy something appropriate for a female.

As the Christmas Doomsday Clock reaches T minus one month, the website has seen an increase in search terms including ‘woman gift’, ‘Keira Knightley motorbike perfume’ and ‘books about relationships’.

Beginning his journey towards universal disappointment, Wayne Hayes, from Carlisle, said: “Last year’s present of ‘e-vouchers’ was frowned upon.

“So now I’m playing CD roulette in a bid to remember which one of those female singer songwriters she thinks is ‘amazing’.”

Meanwhile, Amazon is offering to assess the perfect ‘woman gift’ based on her previous purchases, the items on her wish list and a complex algorithm involving stereotypes.

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I do hope he gets me something I like, but that would mean him knowing something about me besides how many glasses of wine it normally takes.

“It is, truly, a Christmas conundrum.”