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Six bands who love nothing more than a wallow in their own misery

JANUARY? Depressed? These self-pitying acts unable to see past their own dejected noses will provide the perfect soundtrack for your gloom: 

Echo & the Bunnymen

Even Liverpool’s all-conquering 80s success didn’t stop these Scousers grumbling about a killing moon coming too soon, as if there would ever be an ideal time. Not satisfied with their debut’s surface-level murk, the band decided to get into blues, mysticism and album covers of them in a boat in a cave. ‘I’m like that inside,’ their trenchcoat-wearing fans exclaimed.

The National

Lead singer Matt Berninger acts like getting battered on Beaujolais and dancing like a dick is bad, which seems more wine mom housewife than the ‘sad dad’ stereotype he’s built. Though much of the band’s misery these days comes from guitarist Aaron Dessner working with Taylor Swift and being a hundred times richer than the rest of them.

Nine Inch Nails

Listening to Johnny Cash sigh his way through Hurt is dire enough. Knowing it was originally by a wallower from the metal world who recorded in the Manson murder house? Exquisite misery. Though the real tragedy was that Trent Reznor ultimately inspired the whole nu-metal scene that created Limp Bizkit.

Porcupine Tree

Even if Steven Wilson thinks sad music is ‘the most beautiful’, that does not make it good. Especially boring prog projects about serial killers and TV being bad for you. It’s the musical equivalent of Bela Lugosi soundtracking an episode of Goosebumps.

Portishead

It’s laudable that artists can channel pained emotion with a few wispy lines and plodding drums. Even today it can make an adult man cry during a Nissan advert, as he realises the music that once changed his life is now being used to sell jeans. Only did three albums, presumably because becoming rich cheered them the f**k up.

Swans

They say Swans’ live experience is striking, but it’s Michael Gira cowering from the crowd and smirking, having tricked people into thinking bleak lyrics are poetry. The amps are so loud the music is undiscernable while the frontman dances like he’s celebrating a career of making you feel like shit time and time again.

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Six ways to see near-naked ladies more respectable than using Grok

NEW Year means nudification to Elon Musk’s deranged AI stripping women on social media. If you need to see ladies in bikinis, these are more dignified than using Grok: 

Peep in on a changing room

Glimpsing pretty ladies in their pants through a changing room curtain? As ethically bankrupt as asking Grok to strip total strangers, but an act of retro Benny Hill Britishness that provides no funding to billionaires. Compared to using an AI to share images of women in bikinis, almost innocent.

Browse a catalogue

Harder to come by than they used to be, but catalogues still contain a treasure trove of bored models awkwardly posing in underwear if you’re willing to put in the effort. Plus, as catalogues are physical media, you’ll get the warm, smug glow of a DVD collector regarding their latest purchase from the Criterion collection.

Go to the beach

On the downside, you’ll have to wait six months. On the upside, you’ll see a horizon of beautiful women lounging on golden sands, their amber skins and supple bodies glistening with freshly applied sun lotion. A pair of mirrored sunglasses provide all the anonymity of the internet while you enjoy the unfamiliar sensation of being outside.

Use your imagination

You remember? Your imagination! That thing in your head that conjured up clever ideas. Might be burnt out on doomscrolling and largely outsourced to ChatGPT, but it’s still in there and raring to go. And what better way to kickstart it than by scrunching your eyes up tight and trying to picture a skimpy two-piece on a sexy lady?

Search Google Images in safe mode

The internet contains many naked women, which is apparently too hardcore for a Grok user. If it’s purely girls in bikinis you’re keen to see, head over to the settings and make sure SafeSearch is activated. Then, as your teenage nephew will confirm, it’s simply a case of running an image search and not clicking on the blurred out results.

Begin a loving relationship

By far the most respectable method, but also the trickiest. You’ll need to develop a personality, look presentable, and create a life attractive to a potential mate. You’ll only be able to see one partner in a bikini at a time but this approach also boasts the fringe benefit of being in love. Which is apparently supposed to feel okay. Grok says.

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