Tuesday, 4th August 2020

Six films to think about to prolong your lovemaking

ARE you a man who sometimes needs to distract himself during sex? Here are some deeply unerotic films to think about to put on the brakes: 

The Smurfs

These little blue f**kers are a guaranteed passion-killer, aided by the terrible storyline and them being updated annoyingly with sassy attitude. You’ll need a pretty strong libido to imagine doing Smurfette. Or to be an adolescent boy.

Das Boot

Superb U-boat drama containing nothing remotely sexy. Even the homoerotic potential of all those big strong men crammed together is negated by their horrid beards and lengthy conversations about diesel engine repair.

The Phantom Menace

Confusing questions like ‘So Darth Vader built C3PO?’ and ‘Why did Obi-Wan never mention any of this?’ will instantly overwhelm your mind, driving out sexy sensations. You’re more likely to remember Jar Jar Binks or the offensive racial-stereotype aliens than Natalie Portman, which is just as well because she’s 16.

Showgirls

An erotic thriller so unsexy it may cause lifelong impotence, so don’t dwell too long on the embarrassing Vegas dance routines and the weirdly endless conversations about ‘tits’ and ‘cum’.

Daleks’ Invasion Earth 2150 AD

This clunkily titled Doctor Who spin-off contains no erotica; even token sex appeal Jill Curzon looks like a stern job interviewer. If you’re aroused by a wheelchair-bound man hurling homemade bombs at Daleks before being exterminated, seek help. Or start attending Doctor Who conventions.

Toy Story 

Nothing but high-quality family fun here, unless you let your mind wander onto Bo Peep. Underneath that prim toy shepherdess exterior she’s probably filthy, the little minx – and now your lovemaking has just ended, prematurely and unforgivably.