CHRISTMAS is almost upon us and you’ve got everything in except, hang on, you just need this one item and Tesco is open until 7pm. What is it? 

Nathan Muir, shoe salesman: “Star anise. We get through shitloads of the stuff. I’ve just taken two empty eight-gallon tubs down the tip.”

Susan Traherne, mortgage analyst: “Goose fat. Not for the roast dinner, but for swimming the Channel on Boxing Day.”

Steve Malley, hat blocker: “With me it’s more the opposite. I’ve got the turkey, the parsnips, the pudding, the sherry, the brandy, the whole lot, all loaded in the car, just putting the trolley back and then at the last minute remembered I’m Jewish.”

Norman Steele, miser: “Whatever it is, I’ll get it tomorrow morning by hollering at an urchin from my open bedroom window immediately after I’ve inquired of him what day it is.”

Donna Sheridan, hairdresser: “Oh f**k. You know how IKEA has a creche?”