Taxi drivers attend all-night mellow music festival

THOUSANDS of taxi drivers are returning from Cabfest, the drive-in mellow music festival.

The drive-in festival, held in a secret location ‘south of the river’, featured relaxing music in 20-minute blocks interspersed with phone-in discussions about immigration.

Acts were kept at a level loud enough to so you could follow the tune but quiet enough to hear yourself bloody think.

Cabbie Norman Steele from Surrey said: “That bloke who does Walking In Memphis was doing Walking In Memphis, Richard Marx did Hazzard, and Savage Garden played that one, you know, you’d know it if you heard it.”

Other stages included the One Hit Heroes tent, featuring Deep Blue Something and 4 Non Blondes, and the World Music stage with Neneh Cherry & Youssou N’Dour and Paul Young & Zucchero.

Most popular was the hour-long LoveBlock from 4am to 5am, which caused many of the audience to text their wives fondly.

Yorkshire minicab driver Stephen Malley said: “Proper music you can tap your feet to it was, though they did have some new stuff like that bird who was on the X-Factor a few years back. You remember her, nice-looking black girl.

“And they had the news on every hour, because you need to know what’s going on in the world.

“It was a very nice night it was mate, very nice. Who was the highlight? Can’t tell you mate. To be honest I talked all the way through it.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Murdoch divorce after wife discovers pentagram

RUPERT Murdoch and his wife are to divorce after she stumbled across a pentagram painted in blood in the basement of their New York mansion.

Friends of Wendi Murdoch said she was looking for some AA batteries when she discovered a bright red door with a handle in the shape of a giant fang.

Poking her head inside the room, she saw a pentagram, a marble altar and former News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks chained to the wall.

A friend said: “Wendi confronted Rupert, who tried to calm her, but she was totally freaking out. It probably didn’t help that he was wearing a blood-soaked apron and his face was covered in bite marks.”

It is claimed that Murdoch then tried to drive his wife insane by leaving severed limbs on the dining table and then having the bloody mess cleaned up before she returned to the room a few moments later.

The friend added: “She would scream at him hysterically and he would just smile and then roll his eyes all the way back in his head. They had forgotten how to talk to each other.”

The marriage finally broke down last month when Mrs Murdoch, in a desperate bid to convince herself she was not insane, burst into the basement ‘temple’.

There she found Murdoch standing in the centre of the pentagram, wearing the skin of a wolf, while Tony Blair, Nicole Kidman and Jeremy Clarkson surrounded him, holding hands and chanting ‘Baal-Aach-Maggor’.

Mrs Murdoch is expected to receive at least a $100m dollar settlement, but spend the rest of her life with a haunted look on her face and seeing disturbing visions in her bathroom mirror.