THE Mercury Prize is announced tomorrow, and nobody will be asking your opinion because you’re 53. Nonetheless, prepare for imaginary conversations with this guide:
Pulp – More
A nice easy one to start with because you’ve actually heard this. Why wouldn’t you listen to something that reminds you of being 22 and thin? Music peaked with Britpop, so More is easily album of the year because Blur and Oasis haven’t released anything.
Wolf Alice – The Clearing
Their fourth nomination without a win, so clearly what the Mercury judges put on when they’ve got guests round but aren’t really that into. Safe to say they’ve lost their edge, as it’s unlikely anyone will say ‘What do you mean?’ when you say ‘They’ve lost their edge.’
Sam Fender – People Watching
Listen, we all like Bruce Springsteen but there’s no need to try and make a career out of it. And frankly he’s a bit too good-looking to win. Ideally all serious artists should look like Tom Waits so nobody will accuse you of only being into them for the image.
PinkPantheress – Fancy That
Feel free to pour scorn all over this sample-heavy, twenty minute ‘mixtape’. The Mercury panel are just trying to be down with the kids and it’s pathetic. Your disdain definitely doesn’t stem from being worried you’ll be accused of fancying her.
Pa Salieu – Afrikan Alien
Disparaging modern hip hop is your brand, but without sounding middle-aged and insular. That’s a risk here so make a big deal about loving the afrobeat elements of this record; a genre you’ve been into since Vampire Weekend invented it.
Martin Carthy – Transform Me Then Into a Fish
Too tedious to listen to, so talk up the importance of the artist. Make clear that you’re aware that this 84-year-old was a direct influence on the young Bob Dylan. ‘It’s effectively a lifetime achievement award,’ you would say if the office’s Gen Z intern asked.
CMAT – Euro-Country
Talk about how she builds on the country/pop crossover popularised by Beyonce last year but filters it through a European lens, and don’t admit you got all that just from the title.
Joe Webb – Hamstrings & Hurricanes
Tell people this is one of your favourite jazz albums of the last decade. It wouldn’t be a lie, would it? For extra points, claim you can hear that Webb is playing the piano in Welsh and feign surprise that others can’t.
Jacob Alon – In Limerence
Start by admitting that their gentle folk is genuinely lovely. Then point out that the trouble with anything that reminds you a bit of Nick Drake is eventually you stop it and put Nick Drake on. Then recite everything you learned about Nick Drake from July’s issue of Uncut.
FKA Twigs – Eusexua
Yeah, you really dig the skittering rhythms of tracks like Perfect Stranger. And there’s undeniably a pure kind of joy to be found in the album’s repetitive trance-like beats. She’s an extremely attractive former model? You hadn’t noticed, you lie unconvincingly.
Fontaines DC – Romance
This is awkward; actual proper guitar music that you should have been keeping up with. God, you’re old. Anyway, just say that their authenticity shines through and they might be the real deal, but you’re reserving judgement. Got away with it.
Emma-Jean Thackray – Weirdo
You really respect the craft and the fact that she recorded it completely on her own. However, because it’s borne out of grief, you find it too harrowing to listen to. After all, you did recently lose someone. Nobody has to know it was your daughter’s goldfish.
