The six Countryfile presenters you would leave your marriage and kids for right now

COUNTRYFILE pretends to be a gentle look at rural life, but its presenters who are intoxicating temptations you’d run away with tomorrow. These are its most enchanting prospects:

Helen Skelton

You’ve never found canoeing on open water appealing, but that’s because you never had Skelton paddling in tandem. You wouldn’t need a life jacket with those strong, sensible arms ready to keep you afloat.

Adam Henson

The birth of your own children pales in comparison to the spiritual high of watching Adam Henson bring a calf into the world. Let’s face it, even a segment from him on crop rotations is more intimate than sex.

Anita Rani

Has your partner ever been as enthusiastic about your achievements as Anita Rani is about a retired Scout leader’s sustainable pottery company? Just imagine her wide-eyed, loving gaze as you tell her about how many loads of washing you got through this weekend.

Matt Baker

Baker doesn’t know his own power. He already had us pledging eternal devotion after he ripped into David Cameron on The One Show, but talking about wildflowers while walking his faithful collie through a meadow? This man is a homewrecker and he knows it.

Ellie Harrison

A Nordic vision of blonde locks striding through a field of corn in bewitching breathable, sturdy outdoor gear. She’d take you on an easy-to-medium-endurance coastal hike and stomp those walking boots right over your heart.

John Craven

You loved him when you were six and he presented Newsround and that love’s never faded. Why live a lie when when you could be whisked away by your own Daddy Craven on a whirlwind romantic journey the length and breadth of Britain’s heritage railway lines?

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All eligible adults to throw a tantrum at booster website by the end of the month

EVERYONE over 18 has been invited to angrily go round in circles on the NHS website before 2022, it has been confirmed.

To help battle the incoming ‘tidal wave of Omicron’, all over-18s are now eligible to head to the NHS website, navigate its punishingly dull pages, and fail to book an appointment after waiting ages in a queue.

30-year-old Jordan Gardner said: “I thought I would have to wait until the new year to get so teeth-grindingly frustrated at the gap between Boris Johnson’s airy promises and government technology.

“But here it is, December 13th, and I’m f**king furious. Hats off to our prime minister.

“So far I’ve pissed away a whole morning finding my NHS number and my GP’s address, which was only slightly less rage-inducing than struggling to book a booster jab appointment.

“Every time I confirm a date and time some bastard snaps up my slot at the last second and I have to start all over again. Who would have thought that suddenly telling millions of people they can save Christmas with a miracle drug would result in overwhelming demand?”

NHS spokesperson Nikki Hollis said: “Have you wounded your hands by punching your computer screen? Call 111 to speak to an NHS adviser reading from a script.”