TRAITORS fans, chasing a buzz in Dry January, have convinced themselves all this year’s cast are secretly connected. These perfectly sensible theories explain how:
They’re all in a BDSM polycule together
The BBC’s commitment to perverting the nation has never wavered, giving rise to the unproven but likely idea that every competitor, young and old, Faithful and Traitor alike, are in a kinky sadomasochistic, polyamorous relationship with maximum pain inflicted. But who’s a dom and who’s a sub?
Amanda has arrested all of them
Retired police detective Amanda was out of the game quickly for good reason: she has previously thrown every single one of these scum behind bars, for crimes ranging from the horrifying to the truly depraved. It was essentially Arkham Asylum with her as Batman. She may not have escaped alive.
They’re all time travellers
Many have noticed that some of the cast have a quirky way of dressing. This is because they have each arrived here from a different time period and are having varying degrees of success acclimatising to the 21st-century. James, for example, is from the Neolithic era where he was a caveman.
Each one suffers Irritable Bowel Syndrome
The tasks can be physically strenuous, but this year’s contestants are experts at dashing off in a hurry because of their unpredictable shits. The link will only become obvious after one of the Traitors is tasked with stealing a Faithful’s Imodium. A BBC spokesman confirms their inclusion counts as disability representation for the whole of 2026.
The young are scamming the elderly
The spread of ages this year is diverse, ranging from 22 to 66. The twist? Everyone over 50 has at one point been the victim of a financial scam perpetrated by one of the under-35s, from bogus roofers to Nigerian princes to lengthy oil-rig romance, and they’re about to get their revenge.
They all received organs from the same person
In a reveal that will be both poignant and devastating, in the final episode we will discover that every contestant has in the past benefited from transplanted lungs, kidneys, eyes, livers, spleens and even a heart from the same female donor. That woman? Host Claudia Winkleman.
