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Social media to be banned for under-16s and over-18s

THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online. 

The ban will stop children seeing inappropriate content and stop adults wasting their lives in bullshit political disputes, watching the Instagram Stories of their failed Hinge hook-ups or scrolling past the Strava routes of work colleagues from 2012.

Science and technology secretary Liz Kendall said: “You know when you’re arguing on Twitter and suspect your opponent is a 17-year-old who knows nothing? Soon you’ll know for sure.

“Saying ‘look at my new outfit?’ Shouting ‘I hate you’ at someone whose views on Drake differ slightly from yours? Running a Tom Hiddleston fan account? This is teenage shit. Adulthood is leaving it behind.

“We’ve already stopped you cowards from losing whole evenings to pornography by making you upload your ID. Now we’re tackling Britain’s productivity crisis by allowing only the most worthless members of our society to dedicate hours to TikTok.

“If you find yourself still wanting to engage in idiotic argument about Aston Villa’s midfield line-up with total strangers who wish you’d piss off? Go to the pub. They need the boost.”

Keen social media user Helen Archer said: “So they’ll still be using it when they’re at their most cretinous, creating posts which we can later use to destroy their lives? Great.”

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Grok AI deepfakes vs a real girlfriend: How do they compare?

FAKE images of undressed women are why technology exists, but are they better than an actual woman? Tech reviewer Tom Logan road-tested both: 

Sitting still while you masturbate

In this test I used my own girlfriend, Rachel, and an AI image. Rachel was surprisingly willing to sit still in her underwear while I did the deed, but her facial expression showed unmistakable contempt. In contrast the deepfake image of Keeley Hawes in a basque remained impassive, so a clear win for Grok.

Conversation

Grok images can only speak if you do their voice yourself, so it’s only as sexy as your skill at ventriloquism. Margot Robbie in a sheer nightdress saying my own thoughts about politics, films and computer games was more boring than Rachel discussing her yoga class. Though in fairness to Margot there wasn’t much in it.

Sex

Sex with a phone screen lacks the intimacy and sensation of a warm human. I didn’t have to do a live test for this one, I relied on previous experience. Sex with a real woman, for example Rachel, is much more satisfying even if it apparently wasn’t for her. Again I relied on previous experience as she wouldn’t take part in the test.

Household chores

Unlike Rachel, who loads the dishwasher and cleans the toilet, the deepfake Karen Gillan I made was useless at chores. Although it’s not really a fair comparison, as phones and laptops don’t have robotic arms and hands. And she expressed willing, even enthusiasm, which is quite a contrast.

Going for a meal

Connecting my deepfake companion to a speech app so she could say things like ‘Ooh, this is delicious!’ was a hassle, and tech issues led to my prawn bhuna going cold. Also the staff laughed at me. So in terms of going for a curry, a real girlfriend is definitely better than Scarlett Johansson in a microbikini propped against a salt cellar.

Showing her off to your mates

My friends were only moderately interested in a picture of Rachel in her bra and pants. A few of them said ‘this is wrong’. However Susanna Reid kneeling provocatively on a bed in suspenders generated considerable excitement and several forwarding requests. Grok clearly wins in this situation, apart from it being illegal.

Flattering comments

My final test was who was best at boosting my fragile male ego. Rachel rarely flatters me, and has in fact moved out, while my deepfake Emma Watson says ‘You’re so funny, Tom!’ and ‘I love your receding hairline!’ whenever requested. So, speaking as a man, I feel there’s only one choice here: Grok AI deepfakes.

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