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I too am backing Reform after being denied a peerage, by a gas-fitter from Derby

By Nathan Muir of Muir’s Gas and Boilers, You’ve Tried The Rest Now Try The Best, No Job Too Small

THAT Nadim Zahawi? I get where he’s coming from, mate. Because just like him, I’m backing Reform for government because no f**ker would elevate me to the Lords. 

And like him, I didn’t hang around for them to offer. I’ve been on to my local MP since Brexit, which I was a key part of having voted for the bastard. I’ve sent emails, I’ve called his office, I’ve faxed the House of Commons. Nothing.

It’s true that I am but a humble gas-fitter, but so what? I’ve served. I’ve been serving the people up here for 30 years, and it’s hard work. If Zahawi had needed a quote for heating his stables at taxpayer expense I’d have given him one and it’d be bloody competitive.

But nothing. No acknowledgement. If they’d given me an MBE, at least I’d have some indication I was on track to be wearing the ermine by retirement like the rest of them.

Instead, PM after PM comes and goes without a word. They stick their mates in there. They stick Charlotte Owen in there. Truss put her special advisers in there as if they deserved thanking. Muggins here? Bugger all.

Like Zahawi, I’ve switched teams. If the Tories can’t see it in them to do the right thing then Nigel will. He’s a man who materially rewards his supporters no matter who says it’s corruption.

In fact I’ve got more right than him. I’ve never had my tax under investigation despite all my cash-in-hand. There’s only one of us broken the ministerial code and it ain’t me.

So yeah, I’m backing Reform. And come 2029 or whenever it’ll be Lord Muir of Mackworth. What do they do in the Lords, anyway? I hear you get paid just for turning up.

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'Have you considered shagging other people?' and other helpful questions for IVF couples

KNOWING what to say to would-be parents going through fertility treatment can be difficult. They’ll appreciate these sensitive, thoughtful questions: 

‘Have you thought about shagging other people?’

Being in the midst of emotionally draining medical treatments can mean you can’t see the woods for the trees. So it may not have occurred to your friend that if her husband’s sperm is weak she could always get pregnant with a proven father, like Gary from the recruitment team. Or if she’s the problem, her husband could have sex with her sister?

‘Are you worried because my uncle did IVF, and my cousin’s a prick?’ 

Not all stories of test tube babies end happily. For example, your ‘miracle baby’ relative Michael litters, parks in disabled spaces even though he doesn’t have a blue badge, and has a tattoo of Paul Walker from the Fast & Furious films. That can only be because he wasn’t conceived naturally.

‘Do you get to choose their hair colour?’

There are rumours that Elon Musk has kids via IVF so he can make sure they’re boys, which logically means all IVF people are the same. Fishing for the right genetic preferences, like strawberry blonde hair or big naturals, could be why your mate and his wife are doing their third round this month.

‘Who’s got the problem?’

Normally only one of them has tailless sperm or dodgy eggs, so it’s worth investigating whose genitalia has been cursed by God. Then you know who to side with if it doesn’t work out.

‘Is this just because you want twins?’ 

Twins are fun, freaky and the four-leafed clover of reproduction so if your mates have the cash and are looking to double up and get it all over with quicker, you salute their efficiency. If they want to keep trying until they get quintuplets you wouldn’t judge them. In fact you might borrow them to show off in the park.

‘Have you considered adopting?’

It’s perfectly possible that two prospective parents have never realised there are loads of unwanted kids out there and they don’t even cost anything. There’s probably still time to cancel their deposit on the egg retrieval, if they’re quick.

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