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To crush Reform's popularity I will also defect, says Starmer

THE prime minister has announced that, in order to demolish Reform’s lead in polling, he too is defecting to Reform. 

Following widespread dismay after unlikeable former Conservative chancellor Nadhim Zahawi joined the party, Starmer is to announce his high-profile defection to absolutely tank the party in the polls.

Starmer said: “Having honed my ability to repel loyal voters in the Labour party, it’s time to take my unique skill set to where it’s most needed.

“Unless a completely ineffective charisma vacuum joins their ranks, nothing can stop Reform from entering Number 10 in a couple of years. Enter me.

“Even the most dedicated roundabout-painting flag shaggers will balk once I’m on board. My stumbling lack of conviction wrapped awkwardly in a Union Jack? They’ll run like hell but there’s no fringe party to go to except the Greens.

“I’ll even make a mockery of defecting by stumbling across the floor of the House, my trousers falling down to reveal polka dot underwear in the process. I’ll be a humiliation, but I’ll be Farage’s humiliation.”

Reform voter Wayne Hayes said: “I never thought I’d be put off something because of a white man. Maybe I’m cured of racism?”

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I have cut 22 years off my biological age by doing this, except I haven't

By Francesca Johnson, deluded

WANT to rewind an incredible 22 years off your biological age with small lifestyle changes? That’s completely impossible, but I have, but I haven’t, by doing this: 

Give up all alcohol

Alcohol is aging! You never knew this because you’ve never entered a pub during a weekday afternoon and not recognised an old schoolfriend who looks 30 years older than you, but I have. So I gave up alcohol and instead began claiming that had knocked actual years off my actual age!

Age: 42. Biological age: still 42

Eat some form of exotic seeds

Seeds are nature’s time machine. Think about it; have you ever seen a sparrow in a mobility scooter? And exotic ones like chia and flax are even better because they cost a lot from health food shops. Swallowing a handful of these a day and the age of your gut will reverse in a process that will spread though your body, as Einstein said.

Age: 42. Age on passport: remarkably, still 42

Bathe in special light

UV light ages the skin, which is why Greek women in their 80s look so wizened. However I believe in other forms of light – call them expensive light – which can bend time around the face and cause it to travel back to the early 00s. I apply it with a special mask, and now my skin could be protesting the Iraq war.

Age: 42. Objective age: technically 42

Give up something else

My personal quest to create a closed Gödel curve around my body despite their invalidation by Professor Stephen Hawking is not yet complete. Further personal sacrifice is necessary to revoke the laws of physics, so I no longer masturbate. This allows chakras to build up in the spirit, sand to run up hourglasses and pages to return to calendars.

Age: 42. Empirical age: stubbornly 42

Biotwatting

Finally following the new science of biotwatting, as developed by several Silicon Valley men who are too rich and have read too much sci-fi, I sleep in a fridge hanging upside down while having my blood infused with osmium, tantalum and strontium-90. The environment is also highly magnetically charged and ultrasound-rich.

Age: 42. Actual age: nothing but a number. 

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